Nine Months
by Nan Ma
Summary: Due to a curse, Ling Tong obtains a vagina and gets pregnant? And Gan Ning's the father? All three kingdoms are thrown into an uproar, as everyone tries to figure out WHAT TO DO and WTF. Gan NingxLing Tong, other pairings, lots of chars, MPREG, yaoi
1. Prologue

…the weather in summer was unusually hot and humid, but fortunately without disease. Powder shipments from the north were temporarily halted due to bandit activity. This year's orange crops are large, healthy, and considered by the elders to be better than past crops. Shipments of the surplus supply to the north and west have already started. This bodes well for everyone involved with oranges. In the middle of summer, the General Ling successfully gave birth to a healthy infant son weighing exactly ten pounds and fathered approximately ninth months earlier by General Gan. Problems concerning the naming of the boy arose, as there was no precedent for whether the boy should take the family name of the father who gave birth to him or the father who fathered him. A new experiment on the cultivation of rice was taken on near Sanwong…

-Excerpt from the 3rd century official Liu Wan's journal, translation reprinted with the permission of Museum of Chinese Cultural Heritage, Nanjing Branch.


	2. Month One

Hi guys! This is an obligatory "first scene-setting chapter' and because we needed a "month one" thing, but we'll actually post the actual story with all the good bits later! Rating may go up. We know this chapter's _boring_, but bear with us!

Just warning: Contains yaoi, homosexuality, male pregnancy, and general chaos.

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"I got whacked on the ass by some travelling priest today," he snorted. "Not really a good way to start the season. You get free food at the party and I get groped. How is that fair?"

"Fair? Eh! Never said anything was fair. Here, have another drink." Gan Ning refilled both their cups, picked up his own, and poured it down his throat. "So yeah. What did happen?"

Ling Tong copied his friend and rapped the table surface, signaling for the ex-pirate to pour again, even as the room started to wobble. "Well. What do you think? Striptease and yell 'let me have it?' No! I was minding my own business when all of a sudden a priest comes up behind me and asks how much for a handjob. I sort of refuse-"

"-You sort of refused-"

"Fine!" Ling Tong snapped. "I sort of pushed him over and said that no wonder he was offering to pay 'cause he'd never get action any other way, and then I sort of laughed at him, and then I sort of called him a loser."

Gan Ning frowned. "Tong, you _do_ know he's a priest, right?"

"Yeah. Couldn't tell the sect though."

"You do know the whole side of Wu generally has never had really good business with priests."

"And Shu never had good business keeping the 'close' in their closet gay leader either, but that never stopped them. And yeah. When I turn around the priest raises his hand, smacks me on the ass, and starts laughing his head off."

Gan Ning looked thoughtful. It was a very unusual state of mind for him, as Ling Tong sometimes thought that if the older man's brain cells were people, they would be the kind that other people spoke to in loud, slow voices, hand gestures, and big signs with pictures on them. More often, Ling Tong wondered if there was just one neuron crying because it was all alone in a big empty head.

So maybe other people claimed that Gan Ning was not as stupid and dim-witted as Ling Tong always claimed. Lu Meng, for example, always coaxed him to see beyond the big brawny exterior to a quick mind and sharp intelligence. It never worked. When Ling Tong tried to look closer, all he saw was a close-up of an even bigger brawny interior. Lu Meng told him to try to see inside Gan Ning. Ling Tong said that he had already did, by looking inside one ear and seeing out the other. A normal person would have given up a lost cause. But Lu Meng was one of those poor unfortunate people who, for some reason and despite abundant evidence to the contrary, believed that deep inside (very, very deep in some cases), everyone was a good person, and that 'we can all really get along.' Oh, he seemed gruff and tough enough on the outside, but as Ling Tong found out quickly, Lu Meng was very much the kind of person to actually attend cross-cultural festivals for the culture and not the free food, or teach songs that had something to do with 'getting along' and 'one flag' and for some reasons, 'this is yours and this is mine' personal property.

Lu Meng was filled with all sorts of strange thoughts. The Qiao sisters weren't stupid brainless ninnies; they were simply just innocent, enthusiastic, but very easily distracted. Sun Shangxiang wasn't a vicious little monster; she was just energetic and very, very misunderstood. Taishi Ci was giving the younger soldiers a friendly pat on the back and other places, not sly-groping them. And Zhou Tai would speak a complete sentence one day. To make matters worse, Lu Meng actively tried to infect other people with it. It made for a very fearsome sight, though. Even Zhuge Liang personally doubted that Zhang Fei could hold his ground with Lu Meng barreling towards him with a freakishly patronizing I-understand-you-even-if-nobody-else-does-you-just-need-to-express-yourself-peacefully smile on his face.

To Ling Tong, the biggest mistaken part of Lu Meng was his conviction that Gan Ning was somehow capable of humility and rational thought.

So why were they a couple? It was official, really, but no one knew exactly _how_ it had happened. As far as he was concerned, he just woke up one morning with Gan Ning's fingers stuck up his rear, and the pirate had come back that night, and the next night, and the next morning, and during training, and to meals, and in the middle of a meeting, and to the bathroom, and to the library, and to everywhere else. And it just happened. They had a Relationship with a capital R and an extra emphasis on the word. In fact, sometimes they were even civil to each other, ie. not throwing things at each other, toning down the insults a little bit, or not thrusting too hard when applicable.

He wasn't sure why he was so attached to the pirate. Having Gan Ning around was absolute hell, but so was _not_ having him around. Ling Tong thought that he must be a masochist, as he actually rather wanted to be around him. It couldn't have been the sex, could it? There were plenty of brothels for that, even if Gan Ning gave the best blowjobs and had the second-biggest penis in the South-

"-So see?"

"Uh, what?" Ling Tong looked up blankly, not having heard a single thing the pirate had said.

"It's bad luck or something," Gan Ning repeated, apparently relishing the opportunity to explain something to Ling Tong. "Once, one of my soldiers kicked a Taoist priest, and a tree branch sort of fell down and hit him!"

"What?" Ling Tong snorted, startled.

"Yeah!" Gan Ning replied. "The soldier kicked a Taoist priest and a tree branch fell on top of him!"

"Huh- What? How? It could have just been a coincidence!"

"It wasn't! Because I threw it," Gan Ning replied crisply.

"Ning…"

"Yeah?"

"Uh, the Taoist priest didn't cause that. I think _you_ did."

"Well the Taoist priest was going to make something bad happen like that, so I decided to get ahead of the game and throw the tree branch on that soldier," Gan Ning replied, grinning and clearly waiting for Ling Tong to see the sheer wit in it.

"Hey, Ning?" Ling Tong took another long drink. His vision was starting to get blurry, but the pirate's presence demanded lots of drinks.

"Yeah, Tong?"

"You're an idiot."

"I thought it was pretty smart. I mean, now the priest can't get us when it's unexpected! Drink up. Wasn't I smart?"

Ling Tong took his twentieth… Twenty-fourth… Thirty what… He stopped counting and drank up.

"So yeah."

"You scared me for absolutely nothing, Ning," he snapped. "I almost took you seriously for a moment… Uhh." Slowly, he leaned forward, spilling the cup of wine. "Maybe I had too much to drink."

"Hey! Looks fun."

"Fun?" Ling Tong spluttered. "Damn, I am going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow! Huh? What are you doing?"

"I didn't drink half as much as you!" Gan Ning crowed as he started to undo his pants. "I bet I can still manage."

Numbed by drink, his thoughts slid slowly but to one point. "Gan Ning, no! Ack! Put your pants back on, moron! Hey! Don't you know? This counts as rape…"

Gan Ning shrugged as Ling Tong nodded off, then crawled over and happily got started.

Keep tuned!

Disclaimer: Any nonconsensual intercourse is regarded as rape. If the person is too intoxicated or passed out (like Ling Tong), intercourse is still regarded as rape. However, here, we couldn't figure out any other way to do it.


	3. Month Two Part One

Hi again!

Thanks for your review! Is it polite/normal to respond to reviews? We don't really know what's the rules around here lol.

So we're really sorry for the bad writing/disorganization/stuff :-(

* * *

"So you're back." Ling Tong stared out at the soldiers drilling on the practice field.

"Mmhmm. I'm back."

"How was it?" He slid his eyes sideways to look at his companion in the sunlight and was forced to admit, the pirate could be considered perhaps maybe an attractive man. _Maybe._ To him, Gan Ning was a cocky swaggering idiot with a too-sharp nose and body odor, although the pirate did possess a sort of crazy animal libido visible to the naked eye, the sort of presence that gave the impression that he spent more time out of his pants than in them. Ever since they had Gotten Together, the local brothels had lost a very active customer.

Gotten Together, with capital letters. This differentiated the term from just regular "gotten together," which implied that it was a regular, normal thing. Their Gotten Together implied that it was something particularly significant that no one knew what to say about. The non-big gotten together was by mutual consent. Gotten Together was by, if he cared to say it, mutual dissent. He was never sure what Gan Ning thought, but to Ling Tong, the late Ling Cao was sometimes an addition to the usual after-orgasm guilt. He just tried not to think about it.

"Good. Just some bandits. Got them, and now I'm back. I wanted to make sure they were down for good, so it took a bit longer than I thought."

"Just like you to overdo everything."

"Just like you to say that."

"I still don't feel good." Ling Tong collapsed next to the weapons rack and glared at Gan Ning. It was his fault. It always was.

"Suck it up, man. I told you you're just sick."

"Sick?" Ling Tong snapped. "Look, we're all eating the same food, and if I'm sick then the rest of the camp should be too!"

"Maybe it's not a foodie sick. I mean, maybe you caught something from someone or something."

"Use your head, Ning. That's not possible. Lu Meng's fine, and he's always the first one to get everything," Ling Tong snapped, which was true. To date, even epidemics among sheep flocks were considered fair game to the commander's immune system.

But Gan Ning shrugged. "I bet it's just something you ate-"

"For the last few weeks? I've never been sick for more than a few days!"

"Well, you're probably stressed. Look. Everything you have looks like a foodie sick!"

"Except for the fact that I haven't eaten anything funny?"

Gan Ning frowned and stuck out four calloused fingers. "One. You're bloated and snarkier than usual. Two. You're sick and throwing up all the time. Three. You're going to the bathroom a lot more than-"

"_Why_ exactly are you keeping track of this?" Ling Tong snapped, getting up to lean forward on the stockade.

"And four! You ain't eating anything! Not even the pork on Roastie Wednesday!"

He frowned. "Honestly, a lot of things just…. Well, they make me even sicker."

Gan Ning spread his arms, exasperated. "Honestly? Honestly? You were passing up cooked pork just 'cause-"

"Look, I don't know what's up, so get off my case," Ling Tong snapped. "You're giving me a headache, like usual." He turned away. "I was sick again this morning, so don't try anything-"

"At least your sissy little temper's still in place," the pirate muttered.

Ling Tong suddenly felt hands slipping inside of his sash. "Ning. Get your hands off if you want to keep them."

"That's what you always say when I start!" Gan Ning chortled, slipping his large hands past the sash, past Ling Tong's pants, and right up to the skin. "Then you're singing a different tune after."

"I do not! Ning! You- you-" Ling Tong threw his head back and groaned aloud as Gan Ning's hands ran in slow, firm circles around his rear. "No! Stop that!"

"Whatever," Gan Ning sang lightly and moved his hands down to the crack, his rough fingers snagging on the smooth skin. "You know you have the sweetest, softest ass in the country? I could just bite it."

"I'll bite back," Ling Tong warned, but it was only half-hearted nastiness as the younger man pressed back onto the pirate's hands, his eyes fluttering closed.

Gan Ning smirked. "Aren't you glad to see me though?"

"Yeah, I was missing getting your oversize cock up my-" He stopped as Gan Ning reached forward and began rubbing the space between the legs with large hand. Ling Tong leaned forward, enjoying his friend's caresses until they abruptly stopped.

"Tong!" Gan Ning shouted, alarmed.

"What? Why d'ya stop?"

Gan Ning felt around again, his face creased in puzzlement. "Uh. Tong. You're not going to believe this. …Let me check. Take off your pants."

"Take off my what- Ning, what the-"

"Take them off! I don't believe it."

Something about the pirate's tone told Ling Tong that he wasn't joking. He complied, sliding the fabric down his thighs. "There. What- Ning! That hurts! Not kidding!" Ling Tong let out a cry of pain as something pierced him, cut him.

"Tong! Get up! We need to go get a doctor! Now!" Roughly, Gan Ning hauled him up and dragged him off at a sprint without so much as an explanation. "Hey! Doctor! Doctor! You, soldier, go get the doctor!"

"Ning! What the hell is going on? I'm naked! Where are my pants?" Ling Tong snarled as the local healer huffed and puffed towards them.

"Get down! Lie on your stomach!" Without waiting for assent, the pirate pushed him down and pried his legs apart. "Doctor! Come see this! I think he's got a hole through him! An arrow wound or something!"

"Ning!" he snapped. "Hey! You! Go away! Quit staring at my ass!" he shouted to the nearby soldiers, who quickly ran away to get a better vantage point. "I'm fine! What's this about- Arg, Ning, don't stick your finger up it! Ouch!"

"See? Look, Doc, look, here's his asshole, so what's that thing?"

Ling Tong squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the doctor feeling around as well. Dirt slid past his face as he spoke. "Okay. Honestly, Ning. I'm lying facedown, can't see a thing, I'm nude in public where everyone can see, and a guy who I hope never to have to see is poking my ass…"

"Um." The doctor coughed nervously. "General… Well… General, I have a theory about this… But… I believe I need someone with more expertise in this subject."

"Just get him!" Gan Ning snapped. "Ling Tong could be dying for all we know!"

"…I do not think so." The doctor coughed again nervously, wiping at the sweat beading on his forehead. "Um. Pei," he said, addressing a nearby ogling servant, "Pei, fetch Madame Du. Bring this message…" he muttered, scribbling onto a scrap of paper.

"Madame Du?" Gan Ning exclaimed. "Doc, what are you doing?"

The doctor coughed again. "I do not want to make any assumptions until I can get her opinion…"

Ling Tong's face paled. "Hey, Doc, am I all right?"

"I am sorry General, but I already said I don't want to say anything more."

"Ain't Madame Du a midwife?" Gan Ning snorted, pronouncing 'midwife' the same way he did 'veterinarian.'

"Yes. That is why- Oh, here. Madame Du, can you take a look at this?"

"Isn't _anyone _going to ask if I mind?" Ling Tong shouted.

"Tong, it's for your own good!" Gan Ning exclaimed as a woman shaped in the fashion of a squat bowling ball wobbled into sight.

"Well, where's the girl- Oh my," she snorted dryly. "What is…"

"Please examine him, Madame Du, and tell me if what you read on my note was correct?"

"What I read? I didn't read anything! Damned chicken scratches! Is it part of a training requirement that doctors cannot write legibly? Unless if this young man has been turned into a roadway, I don't think I read it right (1)."

The doctor paused a moment to consider. "Just examine this… Part…"

"Hey, are you _groping_ my boyfriend?" Gan Ning shouted.

The doctor flushed, but Madame Du ignored him and pried apart Ling Tong's buttocks again.

"I am feeling _violated!_" he shouted angrily.

Madame Du was silent for a few moments, then patted her sleeves, frowning. "Oh, this is the only thing I can find. It'll work, I guess," she said casually and stuck a stick coated with paper right up the strange hole.

"Arg!" Ling Tong howled. "You know, if that's a hole leading to my inside, you guys should all just stop poking it! That hurts, you know! Ning, _what_ is going on?" he demanded as Gan Ning's concerned face loomed into view.

"Hang in there, Tong!" he exclaimed.

Ling Tong clenched his teeth as the strange Madame Du wiggled the stick around, splinters scratching at his insides.

Finally, the stick was pulled out.

"So what's going on?" Ling Tong snapped, rolling over onto his back. "Okay, honestly. This hasn't been a joyride for me exactly, so I think I'm really owed an explanation-"

The doctor and the midwife were both conferring quietly, ignoring him.

"Hey!" Gan Ning shouted. "What's the-"

"General Ling?" the doctor coughed.

"What?"

"You have a vagina."

There was a silence for several seconds.

Then Ling Tong burst out laughing. "Ning, I'm flattered you did all this just to prank me, but-" The sheer look of incomprehension on Gan Ning's face stopped him.

Several _li_ away, a fisherman's song was interrupted by shrieks echoing off of the mountains.

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'VE GOT A VAGINA? NO, I WILL NOT SHUT UP! NING, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME! ARG!"_

It took some time to wave the proof in both generals' faces and calm both of them (plus the doctor) down. Finally, when the two men were ready to sit down and think through the situation logically, Madame Du coughed and waved the stick she had prodded Ling Tong with. The paper was stained blue.

"And you're pregnant."

Ling Tong's hair stuck straight on end. "WHAT?" The first person to blame came to mind. "GAN NING!"

(1) The word for vagina in Chinese is 陰道. The only part Madame Du could read was 道, or "path, way, etc."


	4. Month Two Part Two

**The parodies/funny stuff starts NEXT CHAPTER! Boring stuff out of the way!**

Hi, it's Kathy and Lin again! We're writing right now 'cause we don't have too much work to do, but we might have lapses in updating eventually.

Thanks so much for the review(s)! We read them over again and we really appreciate it!

------(3)

One thing we're worried about is the chapter length.

Kathy: Too long- who wants to read through too much text? Let's condense it more and get rid of the frills so people can laugh at it more.

Lin: Good size. Not everyone has a short attention span.

Please tell us what you think of the length.

Oh yeah, and if you have any chars you want to see, please tell us! We can tell you for sure that a lot more people are coming in, but if you have specific people you love, yell it!

Enjoy!

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"This is a horrible time to get pregnant! We were just about to launch a counter campaign against Shu, and one of the leading generals gets knocked up! Arg! Why me? _Why me? _I don't recall any other general in all of history having this problem!"

Ling Tong expected Lu Su to explode at any moment. It was a strange sight. Lu Su was normally a quiet, thoughtful man who preferred compromise to confrontation. He was the type of fellow who got a sort of quiet happiness when all the checks and accounts balanced out nicely, and not at all like a madman going for the throat like he looked like now.

"Lu Su, please calm down," Lu Meng began placatingly. "As for your question, it is because I believe a man getting pregnant is a fairly unusual occurrence-"

"Zhou Yu wouldn't have had this problem! Oh no, he wouldn't have! Zhou Yu had easy normal problems like… Plague and being outnumbered and opposing winds and things that you can actually deal with! Everyone loves stories about him fighting out while being outnumbered! I bet no one's going to want to hear how That One Lu Su dealt with a _pregnant man! _Good Old Zhou Yu! Did everything right and normal! Good Old Zhou Yu, with the prettiest ass in all of China, everyone LOVES Zhou Yu!"

"Master Lu-"

"And what do I get? A stack of messy paperwork, the 'oh-you-might-just-be-barely-adequate' looks from everyone, and now a PREGNANT GENERAL! What do I do?"

"What do you do? For first thing, you could have NOT given them Jing Province!" Huang Gai bellowed.

"Please! I think we have bigger issues to worry about!" Lord Sun shouted, waving his hands. It was times like this when he wondered _how_ the state of Wu actually functioned. "First of all, well, we needed _all_ our generals on duty. I have given this much thought, and I declare that the campaigns are off until- until we figure out what is going on! Right, Zhou Tai?"

"…." said Zhou Tai.

"Yes. Right. First of all… Well. Are there any doctors that haven't checked out General Ling yet?" he asked hopefully, as if having one out of fifty-six doctors declare the strange hole _not_ a vagina would have done any good.

"Doctor Jing," Lu Xun squeaked, his voice cracking. "We haven't had Doctor Qin yet-"

"Wait, wait wait!" Ling Tong shouted, hauling himself up to his feet and pointing at the young boy accusingly. "First of all, this has not been the best day for me. Second of all, I've just been prodded in the ass by more doctors than I have ever seen, and some of them were getting off on it. Thirdly, Doctor Jing is a damn veterinarian!"

"It might help," Lu Xun said defensively.

"Help _what?_" Ling Tong shouted.

"Well, I know that sometimes… Umm… Women… Have ways of… Ways of, say, ridding themselves of a pregnancy," Lu Meng said slowly, as if speaking of an unknown civilization.

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"Brilliant!" Lord Sun shouted. "Fetch Madam Du!"

The pudding-shaped woman was bought in promptly.

"Madame Du, what are ways of terminating a pregnancy-"

"There are none," she said promptly.

Lord Sun frowned. "Madame Du, we know for sure that you women have ways of doing so-"

"Too bad. Don't care what you know. None. And even if there was, we ain't tellin' you menfolk!" Madame Du snorted. Even after five more women doctors were bought in, they all formed the general agreement that there was absolutely no way to end a pregnancy other than birth, absolutely not, no way. As they were sent out, Ling Tong thought that he heard the six of them cackling madly down the hallway.

"Maybe we can just beat him on the stomach really hard," Taishi Ci suggested.

"Maybe we can hang you up by the heels over Guan Yu," Ling Tong snapped.

"Look, first of all, you're not one to really threaten, Mr. Preggers," Taishi Ci snapped. "Second of all, I bet this is just a really realistic nightmare."

"I cannot imagine a world with _two_ Ling Tongs," Lu Meng cursed in what he thought was a quiet voice.

"Won't be. Half of it's Gan Ning, remember? His stupid's enough to cancel out any brains I might give the baby," Ling Tong snapped, his automatic meanness kicking in.

"Huh, you don't even know it's Gan Ning," Taishi Ci muttered.

"Really? I _do_ know! Just use your head. One. It's not like I sleep around, you know, like _someone _here, and our bastard pirate's the only one I've had sex with-"

"Well, look, it could be like just a duplicate of you! Like- like a demon child or something! Look, it's impossible that you couldn't have noticed he shoved his thing up a hole that previously hadn't been there, unless you were dead drunk or passed out…"

There was a long silence.

"Nevermind," said Taishi Ci.

"I'm officially calling off the attack. But there's something I was wondering, Tong, how exactly did this happen?"

Ling Tong opened and closed his mouth. "I was wondering that myself-"

"THE PRIEST!" Gan Ning shouted. "Man, I _told_ you not to mess with the Taoist priest-"

"What priest?" Sun Quan moaned. "Not again!"

"That was like two months ago!" Ling Tong snorted.

"And how far along did Dumpling Woman say you were?" Gan Ning said, narrowing his eyes.

"…Two months," Lu Meng volunteered. "And don't call her that, Gan Ning…"

"Which priest? Maybe we can get him to undo this- this- This incident…" Huang Gai offered. "Politely, I mean."

"I couldn't tell his sect, but the sigil was a chicken-"

"It's _him!_" Lu Xun squealed, clapping a hand over his buttocks and clinging to Lu Meng, who looked just a little bit turned on. "Master Lu! You'll protect me right?"

"Guards! Bring in the priest from the chained-up guestroom!" Lord Sun shouted, turning red.

"What?"

"Caught him yesterday. He was asking Lu Meng if he could buy Lu Xun as a concubine," Taishi Ci snorted. "We weren't dare put him in a cell, so we put him in a guestroom with uh… With a distraction tied to the bed to keep him there.

"Uh. What distraction?" Ling Tong asked uncomfortably. "And where's Jiang Qin?"

"Lord Sun! The molester- uh, priest here to see you!"

Ling Tong craned his neck to see through the door. A long-bearded gap-toothed priest stood in the hall. "That's him!"

"Is it? I thought so!" Lord Sun exclaimed. "Uh. …Chasing Chicken, right?" he asked uncomfortably.

"Ah, so you are reconsidering my offer? I told you it was generous for just one delicious little boy…"

Lu Xun squealed and tried to hide in Lu Meng's robes. Lu Meng started sweating.

"No!" Lord Sun shouted, turning red. "Lu Su, you deal with this!"

"I bet Zhou Yu didn't have to deal with this! Yarrrrr!"

"Lu Su, _start negotiating!_"

"Greetings, venerable Tao master, by any chance did you give this young man a vagina?" Lu Su said smoothly, waving a hand to Ling Tong.

"Ah, so you're reconsidering my offer too?"

"No I am NOT! When you slapped my ass, did you do- anything- to-" Ling Tong began, but the priest started cackling like a maniac.

"You bet!" Chasing Chicken howled in mirth. "Thought I'd teach you a lesson in that, sunny bunny! Gorgeous slender delectable young men like you shouldn't refuse offers… Don't worry. You'll have the Little Red Sister Visits like a woman- have you had yours yet? I bet it was a big surprise-"

"If you turn me back to normal I'll give you Taishi Ci!" Ling Tong exclaimed.

"NO-" Taishi Ci began, but the priest started laughing again.

"It is against virtue to lie for profit, although, you, General Taishi, if you see me after this-"

"Ahem?" Ling Tong snapped.

"Okay. Okay. Fine, the vagina'll fall out in a few months or so and you'll be back to normal," the priest grumbled. "Can I go back now?"

The atmosphere in the room suddenly lightened. Lord Sun let out a long sigh of relief, smiling shakily. "Thank goodness. I was afraid he'd have to carry the baby to term-"

"Baby?" the Taoist priest snorted. "Oops, uh, well, in that case…"

"What?" Ling Tong asked, paling.

"The vagina'll fall out and you'll heal up fine after you give birth," Chasing Chickens said meekly. "Well. This has never happened before, actually. Usually… Usually my little friends' partners have enough sense to stick it in the right hole."

"_GAN NING!_" Ling Tong shrieked.

The priest shrugged. "Have fun in labor, General Pretty."

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Ling Tong lay facedown on his bed, listening to his blood pound in his ears. So this was his heartbeat. He put a hand on his stomach and felt it again there- or was it that baby's?

Out of all the people in the world, _why me?_ Everyone has those kinds of thoughts once in a while. Out of all the farms, why does _mine_ get hit by a plague of walking fish? Out of all the possible regiments I could have been assigned to, why do _I_ get the sly-groping general? In all the Imperial University, why am _I_ stuck with the crazy minority-supremacist roommate? Out of all the travelling acting groups, why does mine always end up with the most perverts in the audience?

Ling Tong rolled over and thought, _Out of all the men who kick horny Taoist priests, why am I the one to end up pregnant?_

_What would my father say?_

Ling Tong had gotten over his father's death as much as any man could. After all, it was doubtful that anyone could forget the killing of a parent.

What about the killer? It was tough dealing with it, really, all the feelings of revenge and indignity and injustice and worthlessness…

Especially when the murderer was on the 'same side' now.

And when the murderer was in the next room.

Or when the murderer had become your first best friend.

What about when you had been having sex with the murderer for about two years?

Ling Tong froze. Or when… What if the murderer was about to become the father of his grandchild? It was ironic, definitely. Very ironic, sort of a life-from-death sort of deal, like cuttings from a dead plant. Ling Cao had often teased Ling Tong, saying the usual such as 'make sure I have many grandsons' and 'continue the family line, continue the family line.' And didn't every man want grandchildren? It was sort of a relief, even. Ling Tong had never given the matter much thought, but it seemed that it would be difficult to do the deed with women when he was not quite attracted or turned on by them…

_Congrats Dad, you're going to be a grandfather. Not by the usual way either. Feel special._ Feeling better but just a tad bit weirded out, he rolled over and grabbed for his nightclothes.

The door slammed open. Ling Tong gave a start, and the man that had killed his father walked in.

"What makes you think you're welcome here?" Ling Tong shouted.

Gan Ning grinned and plopped down on the bed next to him. "So, should I say congrats?"

"Ning, this isn't funny."

But the pirate shrugged and threw an arm around Ling Tong's shoulder. "I didn't think it was possible for men to get pregnant."

"It isn't, and don't be getting any funny plans-"

"I ain't." Gan Ning paused, then added, "You know, you're real cool about this. If I were you I'd be screaming and jumping out the window."

Ling Tong considered this. The idea did have its merits… "Nah, this whole thing just hasn't sunken in yet."

"The way you were freaking earlier I wouldn'ta guessed that. Oh well. So, what do you say? I talked with the fat lady and she said that as long as I do you in the ass it shouldn't do any harm."

"Ning!" Ling Tong snapped, slamming his foot down. "Look, after everything that's just happened- and that's exactly what got us into this in the first place- Arg! You! Utter! …Dumbass!" Was the pirate _that_ dense?

Gan Ning kept grinning. Ling Tong knew that look. The pirate wasn't going to budge until he got what he wanted.

"…Actually maybe if you do it up the other hole it'll kill the baby. Let's try that- actually, whatever." The thought was just too weird for him. "Just do whatever."


	5. Month Three

Thanks so much for reading! We hope this part's actually funny. Sorry if you don't like the way we described Xiao Qiao. We thought it was cute.

We love reviews, but we're not going to like threaten to withhold updates or anything, lol! So if you can find the time, just leave one, even if it's just a comment? If anything's just lame or bad, just tell! Thanks!

Enjoy!

* * *

"Hey man."

"What, Ning?" Ling Tong snapped. "Don't tell me to hurry up either. I'm thinking," he added, studying the patterns of the Weiqi pieces scattered across the board.

"No, I wasn't going to," the pirate snapped. "I was just going to ask- can I touch your stomach?"

He stared. "What?"

Gan Ning looked rather embarrassed. "I mean, can I touch your stomach?"

"What the hell? Why?" He definitely had not thought Gan Ning would even ask. For one thing, he had thought that at least the pirate would hold back or go more gently with the sex, considering that Ling Tong was pregnant and all. That had been a horribly incorrect assumption. So it was strange that Gan Ning was asking in the first place. "Why do you want to touch my stomach?"

"I just want to feel it!" Gan Ning said, sulking. "I mean, this really isn't something you see everyday-"

"No it's not."

"And it's, you know, sort of _my_ baby too."

"Getting sentimental, dog?" Ling Tong snorted.

"No, I just want to point out it's half my property, even if it's in _you_."

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. Leave it to Mister Bandit to materialize everything. Some fathers-to-be would go googly-eyed and twinkle-starred over a mother's belly. Others, like the pirate, would stake their claim on like a flag, if only for bragging rights at a bar. "Yeah, but I'm the father too, so the other half's _my _property."

"So can I touch your stomach?"

"Why not. It'll shut you up while I think of a move. Just don't touch my chest. Hurts today for no reason- I must have gone too hard on the training yesterday." Ling Tong turned back to the board and rolled up his shirt to reveal his stomach.

The pirate's hands fell on him right away, rubbing over his navel. "You don't feel pregnant," Gan Ning said skeptically. "I thought that you're supposed to puff up like you're gonna explode and scream and squeeze out a baby in the end."

"I'm pretty damn sure I'm a pregnant man, but I wish you were right," Ling Tong snapped. "And move your hand lower- you're feeling the wrong part."

Gan Ning complied, slowly moving his rough hands down, and froze up. "Whoa."

"Yeah, feel it?" Ling Tong said. "Just a bump."

Gan Ning felt the small swelling. "Is that it? It just feels like you have gas."

"You tell me," Ling Tong snorted.

"It's not so special that women can have babies then! _Anyone_ can get gas!"

"Hmm. Ah-hah. Your turn, Ning-"

There was a tap on the door.

"Eh?" Gan Ning turned around. "Must be Lu Xun. Come in!" he shouted.

The doors slid open and a rather large group of women swayed in.

Gan Ning stood up defensively. "Whoa, what are you doing here?"

They looked at him. In a subconscious group motion, they all shifted their positions to turn their shoulders to him.

"General Ling?" the oldest woman asked. Ling Tong vaguely recognized her as one of the late Sun Ce's concubines, the one that complained that if the late commander Zhou Yu was a woman the lord Sun would have more children than Cao Cao.

"That's me, what do you want?" Ling Tong asked suspiciously. The women looked pleased at themselves, which was always a terrifying thing for men to see because it normally meant something bad for them.

"Well, we were debating amongst ourselves for a while ever since… The news got out," she said smoothly. "You know, you are sort of a man-"

"-Sorta?" Gan Ning snorted.

"-but you know, since you are going to have a baby, you will be going through the same trials and triumphs as us women. Since this is such a different world apart from that of men, we as the women would like offer our support and any aid we can render you. We effectively would like to welcome you into the Women's Quarters-"

"Hell no!" Ling Tong shouted.

The women looked surprised, as if he was a B-rate actor turning down an Oscar. "In case you do not know, the Main Quarters are west of-"

"There is no way I am setting foot in the Women's Quarters," Ling Tong said in a more reasonable voice. "One. No way. Two. I'm a _man._"

"Well, you're pregnant, and every pregnant woman in the palace attends the initiation-"

"I'm not a woman!" Ling Tong snapped. "I don't even _live_ in the capital! There's no way I'm going _into_ your guys' place!"

"Well, then…"

With a rustling of skirts, all the women sat down at once and mysteriously produced masses of sewing supplies out of nowhere.

"If you are so concerned about setting foot inside the Quarters, we can sit here," another woman said pleasantly, smiling kindly. "It's okay! This is your first time, right? Really, it can be nerve-wracking, but-"

"Do _none_ of you chicks get it? You're all as bad as Xiao Qiao! I don't want-"

"Like, ohmigaaawd, am I late?"

The two men, plus the more sane women, cringed as the pattering of light footsteps announced one of the most frightening people in all of the Southlands.

"Speak of Xiao Qiao and she appears (1)," Gan Ning muttered.

"Ohmigaaawd, hi!" Xiao Qiao squealed, screeching into the room and clapping her hands delightedly. Ling Tong got the impression that she would burst into song with some bird on her hand and get everyone to play some board game at the drop of a shoe. (Actually she'd be screaming and covering her face and shouting for someone to get an umbrella and a bag 'cause it's omigaaawd raining shoesies!')

She was a nice girl, no doubt. Perhaps the Qiao sisters were the only two moral, decent people in all of the country. They were kind and sweet and good company when you felt like sitting back with no mental stimulation whatsoever. Plus their chatter provided a convenient cover in case you needed to whisper to someone special, because anyone smart enough to be listening in would have their brains pouring through their noses after the tenth "and ohmigaaawwwd you'd never guess, omigawwd, try guess! Guess!" Xiao Qiao seemed to tack on an exclamation mark after every sentence!

Perhaps they were pretty, if you could keep your mind together long enough to see it. They were desirable, definitely. Even Lord Cao Cao in the North desired them (of course that was only because he thought he could melt out Zhang Fei's eyes with them on a battlefield), as did Zhuge Liang (who wanted to see how exactly a human being could function without possessing any brain cells whatsoever) and the late Zhou Yu of course (because it was safe to tell military secrets to a person with a three-second memory span and a very bad grasp of numbers higher than ten. Those who attempted to use Xiao Qiao's blabbermouth against Zhou Yu found themselves fighting five thousand men instead of five hundred and a bit.).

They had power sort of, because it was difficult to refuse anything they said. Even Ling Tong sometimes found himself being swayed along to their pleas to let them braid his horse's mane, or tuck flowers in the soldiers' armors, or whatever. It was like kicking kittens. And that power was used now, because instead of screaming for her to go away, Gan Ning mutely nodded and turned away.

"Omigawd. Omigawd. Like it's about _time_ you two had a baby! How long have you like been together!"

_How _was she so damn happy all the time? Ling Tong felt the forced smile slowly slipping off of his face like horse dung off a bad politician.

"Two, three years-"

"What, did I miss anything?" a sour voice called. "Looks like a party. Who's got the booze?"

"And I do _not_ believe we're supposed to call you the Virtuous Lady Sun," Ling Tong snapped, not turning around. "Hi, Sun Shang Xiang. Haven't seen you lately."

The resident tomboy princess stomped in, stomping mud off of her shoes and plopping down next to them. She cast a distasteful eye at the women around them and deliberately turned her back to them. The princess was not the most pleasant of people. She was angry. She always was. She seemed generally angry at the general world about her, especially when her brother or anyone attempted to make her vaguely female. Because of that, she sometimes found refuge in the few people that didn't try shove her in a dress, like Ling Tong.

"Yeah. There was a hunting expedition north of the capital, so I snuck into the cart so I could go along. Just got back a few days ago, but I heard the weirdest story today, Tong. You'll never guess what they're saying about you-"

"That he's pregnant?" Gan Ning offered.

"You heard too? Stupid thing to pass around. If there's going to be a rumor, might as well make it believable."

"By the way, it's true," Ling Tong snapped irritably.

Sun Shang Xiang shrugged. "Haha, don't try-"

"No, it is."

"And you're expecting me to believe that?"

"No, really. I got slapped on the ass by a Tao master and Gan Ning did me up the wrong hole, and this happened."

"You're joking."

"I wish."

"Haha. There's a fishing trip in a few minutes. I bet I can catch up. Seeya guys later!" With that, she got up again and strode out.

A few of the women clucked their teeth in disapproval.

"We even set up a sewing circle in her room…" one sighed.

"What happened?" Gan Ning asked uneasily.

"She went to go live in the soldier barracks."

"I _love_ babies!" Xiao Qiao squealed, her train of thought not seeming to have passed the last few minutes. "They are _sooooo_ cute!"

"Great, so you can have ours," Ling Tong snapped. "We don't know what to do with it anyways."

The assembled women seem scandalized.

"Well, the father doesn't have to do anything, but the mother… Which one of you is the mother?" another woman asked.

"Not me," Ling Tong snorted.

"I can't wait! If it's a girl we can like dress it up! If it's a boy we can like dress it up too, but pretend it's a girl 'cause girls have prettier clothes!"

"Well, yeah, if it's a girl we don't have to do anything!" Gan Ning said. "Just leave the kid to… The… Women… Or something, and we don't have to deal with her ever again. I hope it's a girl, then," the pirate snorted.

"Gan Ning!" Ling Tong exclaimed, horrified.

"What?"

"You're hoping for a girl? That's bad stuff, even for you. Who wants a girl anyways-" he stopped when he remembered that the gender balance was tipping precariously towards the XX side. "I mean, better to have a son, obviously, carry on family line, hah, hah," he said quickly, covering up.

"But I don't want to have to deal with having a kid. Better if we can just leave it for someone else to take care of."

"Yeah. Hmm." Ling Tong thought a moment. "I wish I knew what it's going to be."

There was a sudden muttering amongst the women. The presumed leader took out a long silk thread with a metal coin at the end and gave it to Ling Tong.

"What?"

"Hold it above your hand," she ordered. "The way it swings should tell the gender of the baby."

"Serious?" Gan Ning asked skeptically.

"If you can read it right, yes." She quickly explained the patterns- swinging back and forth in a certain way meant a boy and another way meant a girl.

Ling Tong did as he was told and watched as the pendant swung back and forth.

"It's a… Damn. Can't tell," Gan Ning said. "Well, I ain't the mum so it doesn't matter anyways."

"Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate." Ling Tong squinted more. "It's a…" The pendant kept wobbling back and forth. "I think it's a girl."

"Omigawd a baby girl-"

"Wait, no, it's a boy," he corrected. "Wait. A girl. No…"

"What _is_ it?" one woman said, exasperated.

Ling Tong sighed and threw the string down. "It's a fucking hermaphrodite, okay?"

"Omigawd, does that mean you're having twins?"

Ling Tong spluttered and choked. "Hell no! I'll kill Gan Ning if that happens, do you hear, Ning?"

"Yes, twins are horrible. I should know," one older woman shuddered. "First you swell up like there's a melon patch inside you, then it feels like you're going to explode, and you take _twice_ as long to give birth-"

"Okay, are you guys _trying_ to scare me?"

"If we were, we'd be telling you about what the last months for you are going to be like," the late Sun Ce's concubine snorted. "Or the labor."

"The labor?" Ling Tong paled.

"Yes. Haven't you heard of it?"

"Uhhh…"

"I heard it's goddamn awful," Gan Ning offered. "Like screaming for twenty-four hours straight-"

"Ning!"

"That's all you heard? Trust me, General, it's much, much worse than what you think," she said mirthlessly. "For me, two days of pure straight torture because the baby was too big. I nearly died, mind you."

"Or me. After going through it once, I considered murdering my husband so I would never have to go through it again."

"Me too."

"What's labor? I heard someone say it's one of the worst thing that can happen to girls, but certain girls! I'm glad it's never happened to me, and you guys say it never will, right girls?" Xiao Qiao squeaked.

"That is correct," one woman said uneasily. An uncomfortable, patronizing chitter billowed out from some of the women.

"Wait, so you never did it with Zhou Yu?" Gan Ning snorted.

"Did what?"

"You know, like…"

"_Whenver she was around her late husband the late Lord Sun was too, and when those two were together no woman would be getting any,_" a younger woman quickly hissed.

"Then you're lucky, Lady Qiao. The worst hours of my life were in labor," another woman added.

"It's that bad?" Ling Tong asked uneasily.

"You'll find out in some months."

Slowly, Ling Tong turned towards Gan Ning.

"Yeah?" the pirate asked uncomfortably.

"Ning. You are _so_ dead."

* * *

(1) Play on the phrase "Speak of Cao Cao." Through to modern times, the Chinese equivalent of the English idiom "speak of the Devil" is "Speak of Cao Cao and Cao Cao arrives." ("說曹操，曹操到"; Pinyin: Shuō Cáo Cāo, Cáo Cāo dào). Wikipedia.


	6. Month Four

Wei appears!!! Next to arrive is Shu, and the party really gets rolling!

* * *

_He held the bundle of cloth in his arms, and it stirred softly and began to whimper. Not knowing what it was saying, he bounced it up and down in his arms, quieting the baby down. When his arms started to hurt, he stopped, but the baby began to cry anew._

"_Hush!" he exclaimed, but the baby did not. Instead, the cloth fell aside, revealing a red-eyed, squirming mass of gel-like flesh with too many boneless limbs to be human. The head was sunken into the center of its body, and the gash of a mouth opened, revealing pointed fangs arranged in a leech-like circle. He yelled for a nurse, trying to ask what the baby wanted, but no one came. The baby only cried louder, its multiple tentacles flailing about. _

_He looked at the creature in shock. Was this inhuman thing the result of the unnatural circumstances?_

Ling Tong sat bolt awake, panting. In the half-light, his pirate lover snored by his side. Frowning, he punched Gan Ning's shoulder. "Ning! Wake up!"

"What?"

"Dude!" Ling Tong shouted excitedly. "I had the COOLEST dream!"

"Huh? What?"

"I dreamed that our baby was a really freaky octopus-thing that shot crossbow bolts out of its eyes!"

"Wow! _Awesome!_" Gan Ning exclaimed. "Serious?"

"Yeah! And it had teeth on the _outside_ of its mouth and everything. And squirming wriggling tentacles and all."

Gan Ning looked at him wistfully. "That would seriously be awesome if the baby turned out like that."

"Yeah." Ling Tong lay back down and stared at the ceiling. "Especially the shooting stuff out of its eyes thing. I hope the baby'll be a really cool tentacle monster like I dreamed." He rolled over to go back to sleep, but Gan Ning had other ideas.

"Ning. What are you doing."

"Feeling your balls."

"Get your hands off." Ling Tong sat bolt up and slapped his hands away, but groaned when his muscles seized up. "Ouch."

"What's wrong?" the pirate sat up too, looking concerned.

"Nothing. Stomach just clenched up," he said lightly, running a hand over his swollen stomach. "I wish it would just get out of me. I feel fat."

"Hey, lemme get a look at you!" Gan Ning sat back to stare at Ling Tong's body for a while.

The pirate looked slightly surprised. Ling Tong did not blame him. He looked down himself and saw the hard peak of a belly staring back. He felt his abdomen swelling up like a ripening gourd. Slowly, he put a hand over it and felt the firm bump. With a twinge of regret, he realized that his fine, slim waist and muscled abs were nowhere to be seen. "Yeah, definitely pregnant," he said.

"Good gods, did I do that?" Gan Ning asked, sounding torn between bragging and horror. "Cool!"

"Not cool! You're not the one puffing up like this," he snapped.

"How's it feel?"

"There's a little person growing bigger and bigger inside of me! How do you think it feels?" Ling Tong snapped. "Ooof!"

"Whoa, cool!" Gan Ning exclaimed, rolling over to straddle Ling Tong's waist and rub his stomach.

"Hey! Get your naked ass down from there and get your hands off-"

"No way!" Gan Ning suddenly shouted when his hands reached Ling Tong's chest. "No way! You've got to see-"

"Ouch! Ouch!" Ling Tong snorted as pain suddenly shot through his chest. "Ning, that hurts-"

"_You're got tits!"_

"What?!"

Gan Ning looked up, shock on his face. "You're got tits, man! Look!"

"What?"

"Your nips are hard!" the pirate shouted. "And look! They're all puffed-up and pointy- lemme poke them!"

"Arg!" Ling Tong shouted, trying to push his hands away. "Ouch! Hands off! That hurts! Bastard-"

"Sorry, and I interrupting something?"

Ling Tong craned his neck over Gan Ning's busy hands and spotted Lu Meng standing in the doorway.

"Yes- please interrupt," he said tartly. "And get this little whore off of me- ouch! Gan Ning, _stop that!_"

"Old man!! Look! Tong's got tits!" Gan Ning shouted.

"Gan Ning, can you put your butt down?" Lu Meng said sourly. "I think it's disturbing our guests."

They both froze. "Guests…?"

Gan Ning quickly rolled over and off of Ling Tong, who eyed the doorway.

"Well. Hello, generals," Cao Pi said, looking at Gan Ning's bared rear with his eyebrow lifted. There was a short, plump woman on his arm, looking at the naked men with disinterest.

Lu Meng tightened his lips and gave both of the younger men a 'please tolerate him; he's actually a fairly good person despite being more arrogant and dick-headed than Guan Yu on a PMS, and if you do anything to cause a diplomatic crisis I'll make sure you're in the vanguard' look.

"Oh, it's you," Gan Ning said, clearly unimpressed. "So you came out of the closet finally?"

"Stuffing me into a wardrobe on a diplomatic mission was a most unwise decision, General of the South-"

"So your dad dropped you off here, or did you sneak out your bedroom after curfew?" Ling Tong snorted.

Cao Pi flinched, but kept his composure. "I came here on my own to present my own regards-"

"His father is drinking tea with Lord Sun," Lu Meng said, giving Cao Pi a patronizing look. "Cao Pi came with the Lord of Wei."

Apparently Gan Ning noticed the woman for the first time. "Hey, look, it's Lady Zhen…" he commented dryly, rolling off of Ling Tong and giving her a glare. "So, you still have anything to say about our _gay-day carriage_?" He paused. "By the way, I think you got shorter and you're fat."

"…General Ling, this is Lady Guo Nuwang," Lu Meng said uncomfortably. "Not Lady Zhen."

"So you got rid of that bitchy!" Gan Ning snorted, standing up and getting out of bed to stretch naked. Who's Model Version 2?"

"'Speak no nonsense, said the sage, and whatever comes from the mouth of the dragons will be heard by the tigers, hence the rise and fall of the kingdoms under the heaven,'" Guo Nuwang said tartly.

There was a silence. "…What?" Ling Tong said. "And can we go get some clothes-"

"She's quoting Ling Ba Zhu's commentary on Anthology of the Ages," Lu Meng explained. "And, Cao Pi, isn't there something you wanted to say?"

"Sorry, the circus distracted me," Cao Pi replied. "Anyways, Lady Guo, and I came to present our most honorable interest and regards in… This land's first pregnant man…" he said, sneering and looking over to Ling Tong. "How far are you anyways? Goodness, look at that stomach. You're pretty big."

"Hey, hey, I know there's an insult behind that," Ling Tong snapped, pulling the blanket over his body so that it gave the appearance of a covered vegetable cart. "And you're in _our_ territory, Closet Boy-"

"Well, at least I'm not the pregnant one-"

"Hey, so maybe you're such a big prick because you don't have one-"

"Can't you all just _be decent_ to each other?" Lu Meng shouted, ripping a handful of hair out of his head. "I'm trying to get you all to just _get along,_ because I know you all have the potential to be friends. In fact, I think our lord is meeting with Cao Cao right now… Why don't you go? Yes, that is a good idea. Gan Ning, Ling Tong, you are coming for sure… Cao Pi, I suppose we can expect you there. There we go! I will see you there," Lu Meng said happily and turned out the door.

"…Did we just get recruited into a meeting?" Cao Pi asked.

"Yes. Now get out of here Closet Boy," Gan Ning snapped, getting out of bed to push Cao Pi out the door. "Bye!"

"Disgusting- your dick touched my hand-" Cao Pi began to yell before the pirate slammed the door.

"You're asking for it," Ling Tong muttered.

" What's the chance that we can ditch?"

"With Lu Meng? He'll see everything. Get your clothes on, Ning."

* * *

Ling Tong was about to push open the door to the meeting room when Gan Ning pushed in front of him and kicked the door open himself.

"Since you're preggers and all," the pirate whispered. "Should I hold the door open for you?"

"I'm pregnant, not disabled!" Ling Tong snapped.

"Still," the pirate snorted and booted him through the door.

"Ning-" he shouted and stumbled over his own feet.

There was a collective gasp from the entire room.

"Oh my Gods!" Lord Sun shouted, jumping to his feet. "Oh my-"

"I'm fine," Ling Tong snapped, but because Ning's actions that morning were still grating on his ego, he added, "Actually, ouch." With that, he stood back and watched as Gan Ning was promptly clobbered by a combined force of the strong men of both Wei and Wu.

"He isn't some common woman! He is the world's first pregnant man!" Xiahou Dun shouted. "Can't you see this is too important?"

"What are you trying to do anyways?" Taishi Ci demanded.

"Clumsy pirate!" Zhang Liao exclaimed.

"Idiot!" Xiahou Yuan yelled.

"Young'n!" barked Huang Gai.

"That is no way to find strength!" Xu Huang declared.

"Imbecile!" Cao Ren snorted.

"And I want to see what happens in a few months!" Cao Pi cried.

"…!" roared Zhou Tai, joining in after looking to his lord for permission.

Ling Tong snorted and watched the brawl and kicked away Xu Huang's helmet when it rolled to his feet.

"You know what I find peculiar?" a voice hissed right by his ear.

"Gah- oh, it's you, Lady Guo."

"I find it strange that their first reaction was to jump up and beat up the offender, not to go help the poor pregnant mother-to-be…" Guo Nuwang observed dryly. "Oh look, finally someone's thinking straight. Master Lu's heading towards you. Would you like to hide?"

"It's fine. He doesn't fuss that bad," Ling Tong said, trying to prod the lady aside with a foot.

"Ling Tong! Are you all right?" Lu Meng shouted, his eyes bulging with worry. "I just saw you go down like that-"

"I only stumbled, not fell-"

"Hurry! Here, sit down!" Lu Meng continued, slamming Ling Tong down on a chair.

"OUCH! I can't _sit_ in that position anymore-"

"Someone get Mrs. Dumpling!" Lu Xun yelled, his voice breaking at the high bits.

"HEY! Wait, I'm not _dying!_"

"Okay! That's half the battle! Now, is the baby okay-"

"I'm fine! The baby's fine! Everything's fine!" Ling Tong snapped. "What, suddenly taking one bad step is a medical emergency?"

"I do not think you are understanding the situation," said a cold, stern voice. Everyone who wasn't getting his ears boxed in looked over to the speaker.

Cao Cao stood up, his cloak unfurling behind him. "This is more than just a peculiar situation about you. The moment something like this happens, immediately everyone comes down to see."

"Well I don't know, I'm certainly the one feeling it," Ling Tong snapped, his temper rising. It was one thing to sip wine and talk about a pregnant man and all the accompanying curiosities, but it was a whole different thing to _be_ that man.

"Yes, but all three kingdoms are watching," Cao Cao continued. He paused a moment, as if considering whether to speak more or not. "In fact, I passed by Guan Yu on my way here, and after he asked to buy Zhang Liao as a concubine he told me that Zhuge Liang insisted that Shu parade down here as well."

"Are you serious?" Lord Sun exclaimed.

Cao Cao turned his catlike eyes on him. "If I was joking, it wouldn't be very funny, would it? _Yes I am serious._"

"_WHY_ is everyone coming down here?" Ling Tong demanded.

"Ling Tong, stop interrupting those super-important political figures…" Lu Meng whispered as the two lords went back to talking about the political aspects of the whole situation.

Ling Tong sat back down with his back slightly arched to accommodate his swelling abdomen. It really wasn't very comfortable being pregnant. No matter how he moved, something would always ache. "Fine."

"Master Lu! They're_ still_ beating up General Gan! Shouldn't we do something?" Lu Xun asked, running over and accidently bumping his rear against Lu Meng's hand.

"Urk!" said Lu Meng.

"Master Lu? Are you all right? You've gone all red," Lu Xun exclaimed, fanning the older man's face with his sleeves. "Don't worry! Ouch!" the boy exclaimed. "My arms seized up! Sorry Master Lu. Ack, they've gone all _red _and _stiff_ and _achy_ from-"

"Ack- I've got- leaking- my pe- no- my nose- nosebleed- don't worry-" Lu Meng croaked and stood up quickly. "Ling Tong. Ah. If someone asks where I am, I'm taking a cold shower," he hissed, hands clamped over his nasal organ. "Gotta run!"

"Master Lu!" Lu Xun shouted, concerned. "What's-"

"Pedo," Ling Tong snorted.

"What?"

"Nothing. But you're right." Ling Tong stood up carefully and sauntered over to the mess of men rolling around. Somehow Xu Huang and Taishi Ci had separated from the main fight and were rolling about together. There was something playful about _their_ wrestling. He grew even more suspicious when he saw that they were also grinning like perverts.

"Hey. Ning. Up," Ling Tong said, dragging the pirate out by his feathers, leaving Huang Gai pounding in Xiahou Yuan's face.

"Nrg…." Gan Ning muttered.

Ling Tong propped him up in a chair next to his own and wiped up a cracked lip with his sleeve. "Have fun, Ning?"

"Nrg!" Gan Ning gave him a very bruised thumbs-up. Behind him, the fight dissolved as the men got bored of punching only each other and made their ways back to their sides, except for Xu Huang because Taishi Ci was dragging him over to a guest bedroom.

"Ling Tong?" Lord Sun called. "Ling Tong, can you stand up?"

Grumbling to himself, Ling Tong complied, feeling all eyes swivel to him.

"Everyone, esteemed guests, this is General Ling Tong. You may have heard, but if you haven't, I believe he is the reason you are here today. You see, a few months ago, it seems that the Taoist priest Chasing Chickens-"

"Him? That filthy mongrel of a sorry excuse for a so-called holy man?" cut in a voice. Ling Tong looked over to see a lovely woman with clear, cold eyes.

"What is this disrespect?" Xiahou Dun shouted, leaping up.

"Sima Yi, do not interrupt!" Cao Cao said. "Xiahou Dun, sit down. If only you went up that fast in bed…" the lord muttered as he sat down.

"I respectfully ask respectful permission to respectfully speak, then," Sima Yi sneered.

"That's a _man?_" Gan Ning snorted.

"Can't be!" Ling Tong snapped.

"But Sima Yi. Sima Yi, a man."

"…Well, seems so."

Cao Cao tilted his head to Sun Quan. "Don't ask me. We are in the Southern Lands courtesy of our kind hosts."

Sensing that Sima Yi would not take kindly to any more taunting, Sun Quan nodded permission.

"Well, you see, we in the Northlands have also had problems with this… Chasing Chickens."

"You mean he tried to buy you and your sons as concubines," Xiahou Yuan snapped. "Dunno, but I've seen the fellow. Never did nothing to me-"

"Wonder why. I wouldn't either, no matter how much you paid me-"

"Is this a Weiqi club meeting or a talk between two kingdoms? Settle down!" Cao Cao ordered.

"Well we have heard of this Chasing Chickens. Do go on, good Southern Lord," the gender-ambiguous Sima Yi sneered.

Sun Quan bristled at the tone but kept composure. "And it seems that apparently General Ling is pregnant now, by General Gan Ning- Gan Ning, can you stand up? No? Well, if you all crane your necks like this you can get a pretty good look at him. That blonde pirate with the red armor and the black eye. Yes. Anyways, well, that's the father of the baby."

As Sun Quan continued on about the situation, Cao Pi and his lady quietly approached Ling Tong and Gan Ning.

"Okay, Closet Boy, did you come here to offer your good will cheer regards blessing, or just to see a pregnant man?" Ling Tong asked tartly.

"Of course we came here to offer our best wishes for your pregnancy-" Cao Pi said smoothly, but his lady interrupted.

"This is an first-time exercise in gender roles and the definition of men and women in society," Lady Guo said. "We must not miss this opportunity to witness it first-hand."

"Okay, what am I, a freak show or a political circus?" Ling Tong snapped.

"Don't be so pissy, Tong!" Gan Ning teased.

"Either way, it's just creepy. People watching me like this."

"Right now they're watching the lords."

"You know what I'm talking about, Ning!" Ling Tong snapped.

"Well, what if I don't, want me to call a psychic?"

"Who needs theater when we have you two," Guo Nuwang said coldly.

Cao Pi did not look as humored. "Nuwang?"

"Yes?"

"…Did you have servants pack clothes?"

"Of course, my lord," she said.

"Toiletries?"

"That too," Guo Nuwang replied, rolling her eyes.

"Spare writing supplies?"

"Yes…"

"I believe we are missing something."

Ling Tong eyed the couple. "Huh, you can always get it here. Bet it's better than whatever cheap crap you have up North-"

"No, we are forgetting something for sure! But I can't remember what!" Cao Pi hissed.

"I don't know! Look, I have a checklist. See? Everything's checked in. I triple-checked the luggage. I counted all the carriages. I counted everything. I counted again when we arrived. What could be off?"

"I don't know! I just get the feeling we've forgotten-"

"_Lady Zhen!"_ Guo Nuwang hissed, her eyes widening. "My lord, we forgot Lady Zhen somewhere!"

"We did? Where?"

"I could have _sworn _that the carriage was lighter after we took a rest step at Suhan-"

"Good thing you remembered, Nuwang! After the servants are done unpacking, I will send some after her."

For a moment, Nuwang looked oddly concerned, a strange expression for her. "…Well… Are you sure she will be fine meanwhile?"

Cao Pi shrugged. "She'll live."

"You forgot your wife?" Ling Tong snickered. "Ning forgot spare underwear once but this takes the cake, seriously…"

"We didn't forget her! Well… Actually we did. But it's more polite to say we have only temporarily left her to… Rest…" Guo Nuwang said haughtily. "Either way- oh, ritual bows." She turned around and curtsied all the way to the floor, while Cao Pi gave a bow so abbreviated that if it had been punctuation, a period would have rolled over it and crushed it.

As Gan Ning couldn't stand up and Ling Tong couldn't bow, the ritual ending passed along smoothly.

"Well, that was interesting," Ling Tong said as people began to file out of the room. "I think-"

There was a sudden ripple as people suddenly just stopped moving.

"Ohhhhh! Have I missed it?" a breezy voice called, dropping in random tones like an opera melody.

"…Who the-"

"It's Zhang He. Oh dear. You two, be careful." With that warning, Guo Nuwang and Cao Pi quietly sprinted away.

"It's… Oh, one of the generals- AYE-YAE-YAE-HOLY-EIGHT-IMMORTALS-WHAT-THE-" Gan Ning shouted.

"My Gods. All of them." Ling Tong agreed quietly.

"Oh, I am so sorry I overslept so late! I need my beauty sleep, you see, and the journey here was no good for my skin…" the Butterfly General breezed, his silks fluttering in an invisible wind. "Ohhhhh I am sorry!"

"How does he make every word sound like he's orgasming?" Gan Ning hissed.

Clearly content with all eyes on him, Zhang He stretched his neck gracefully, but spotted Gan Ning and Ling Tong. His mouth opened up in a delicate little O of wonder, and before they could run away, Zhang He was already fluttering towards them.

"Ohhhh my! I am sooo sorry!" he sang. "How rude and ungraceful of me! Hello- oh, you must be _excited_ to be parents soon!" he cooed. "You must be the pregnant one! Such _BEAUTY_ there is in giving life!"

Before anyone could react, Zhang He flew forward and placed his hands over Ling Tong's growing abdomen.

"GAH!" Ling Tong snorted, backing away. "You-"

"Ohhhh I do believe we will be meeting again, but goodness, is that the ever-so-delicious Sima Yi? I _must_ catch him before he disappears again! Ohhhh, I swear, sometimes it's as if he's _avoiding _me! See you later!!" Zhang He sang and danced off, leaving behind-

"…Did a bunch of butterflies just fly off of him?" Gan Ning asked quietly. "Or was I hit on the head too hard?"

"…I disbelieve. I seriously, seriously disbelieve," Ling Tong replied.

Then, he realized that he was a pregnant man standing in the middle of the room with Cao Cao and Sun Quan talking amiably about who-knows-what, and Taishi Ci was probably going to hook up with every single Wei man (who just a month ago had been on the other side of the poleaxe) by the end of the month.

After thinking about that for a while, he found that he _could_ believe it after all.

---------------

_Some parents pray for their child to be clever, virtuous, and healthy. They pray that their children be born in perfect shape, with ten fingers and ten toes. They pray that their child come out well-formed and normal._

_Gan Ning and Ling Tong pray that their baby will be an alien ninja octopus that can shoot lasers out of its eyes._


	7. Month Four Part Two

Sorry, this chapter is more about a few of the Wei people more than Ling Tong getting preggers. But there hasn't been an update in a long time so might as well. I took the liberty of adding a whole bunch of crap on to your stuff. You guys said I could.

* * *

"So, are you guys staying for New Year's? Heard the moon's going to be huge this year." Ling Tong stared down at his cup. The moment he made a pass for the wine jar, Lu Meng had swished it away and poured him a glass of fruit juice. He gritted his teeth and sipped as everyone else got tipsy. "Of course, you'd better get back to… You know. Your family and stuff. So we don't have to deal with you."

"My father insists on staying to observe." Cao Pi leveled his eyes at him, wordlessly explaining that he did not want to stay anymore than Ling Tong wanted him around.

"Damn."

"Observing what?" Gan Ning cut in.

"Mr. Preggers, or course. I'm bored. Where's Guo Nuwang?"

"You've got the attention span of a duck. Get her yourself; Mr. Preggers is pregnant," Ling Tong snapped back.

"I wasn't asking you to fetch her," Cao Pi snorted. "I am going to her."

"What a snotrag," Gan Ning commented as Cao Pi left. "Man, if only there was a closet around here…"

Ling Tong snorted. "Cao Pi just got out of the closet, and you don't want to go forcing him back in-"

The door slammed open. "Well, well, well, is my _dearest husband _here?"

"Zhen Ji! They finally found you!"

Zhen Ji turned her chilly face to Gan Ning. "No, they didn't," she said blandly. "I sent back to Luoyang for another carriage."

"Cao Pi sure has good timing. I knew that family was psychic," Gan Ning hissed.

"What?" Ling Tong had heard various rumors about the Cao clan, ranging from the supernatural [Cao Cao had made a pact with water spirits] to the sinister [Cao Cao had poisoned the court so that they could not go for a day without him providing the antidote] to the just plain weird [Cao Cao's penis was shaped like a… Oh nevermind.]. But Gan Ning's accusation was a new one.

"I mean serious. Look. One day, out of the blue, I get this letter, and Cao Cao says 'I do not care about' and starts listing all sorts of _personal_ stuff. Stuff that no one but me could possibly know-"

"That's because when you get really drunk you go off and mail random letters to Cao Cao!" Ling Tong snapped.

The pirate looked aghast. "I _what?_"

"I've been getting letters back asking me to stop you," Ling Tong replied.

"So now the Demon King knows all sorts of things about me that –he shouldn't know?"

"Yes! But it's your own faul-"

"Awww shit!"

"You buffoons! Must you two insist on ignoring me? _Where is my husband?_" Zhen Ji snarled

"He's dead," Gan Ning said. "Took a freak accident in the Peony Pavilion. Fell off the cliff. The one we just installed. It's a million feet high. You shouldn't look for him, you know, 'cause he's dead and all-"

"No he's not," Ling Tong snapped. "And there are no cliffs here. Don't try protecting that jerk, Gan Ning." Quietly, he muttered, "If Zhen Ji does find him, good news is that he really _will_ be dead, bad news is that so will we."

"So where is he?" Zhen Ji repeatedly impatiently.

"Well, it's definitely not my fault that you don't know the Man Code!" Gan Ning snapped.

"The Man Code? Of course I know the Man Code," Ling Tong retorted. "I know the Man Code like the back of your ass!"

"_Your_ ass!"

"No, yours! I know what I've been screwing for the last-"

"Hell-lo, have either of you seen Cao Pi?" Zhen Ji repeated, her temper rising.

"Well if you knew the Man Code you never tell a guy's girl where he is!"

"That's stupid! Don't you want to get Cao Pi into as much trouble as that little prick can-"

"Where is my husband?"

"Well there's revenge and there's the Man Code!"

"_Hello,_ do you know where-"

"Oh yeah? I thought that the Man Code said that revenge's necessary if the guy's a big enough jerk, and Cao Junior overqualifies-"

"Well, we get revenge by going and beating him up, not by signing his death warrant-"

"_GENERALS, WHERE IS CAO PI?"_

"Oh? He's probably in the west antechamber with Guo Nuwang," Ling Tong replied. "Now, Ning, the Man Code says that we _can_ take revenge. And it also says that the Man Code is more of a general guideline. That's good enough."

"Well, yeah, but we can't stoop down like women to catty, subtle, vicious stuff like that-"

"Who said we were being catty?"

"Well, you just told her-"

"_YOU TWO are the most INFURIATING little monkeys in all of China!_" Zhen Ji screamed, throwing her fan at them. "Without enough sense between you idiots to run a daycare! Arg!"

"Geez, what's _her_ problem?" Gan Ning snorted.

"Probably her time of month. Sometimes women get so pissy for no apparent reason," Ling Tong replied.

"Yeah. Look at that. One moment she's fine, so we turn around to talk, but all of a sudden, boom! Look at that."

"_My_ problem? My problem? What is your problem! You two are-"

"It's Miss Priss Sparkly Princess!" Gan Ning shouted, leaping up and hitting his knee against the table. "Ouch!"

"Stay away. Stay away. Do _not_ come any closer…" Ling Tong warned, preparing to rise out of his seat.

"Honestly, you two are _so _immature! I am most definitely _not_ Miss Priss Sparkly Princess just because I yelled at you!" Zhen Ji snorted, rolling his eyes.

"I do believe that are referring to _me,_" Zhang He cooed, taking a seat.

"I _said_ don't come any closer!" Ling Tong shouted.

"Now, now, do not stress yourself! What if you spontaneously miscarried and lost the baby? What a loss of _beauty_ that would be!" Zhang He rested his chin on his hands and simpered at Ling Tong. "And I would certainly _scream _for Lu Meng if anything happened right now."

"Okay. Fine. I'm sitting down and calming down. See? There. Happy?" Ling Tong snapped. "Now go away."

"My, you have the most _gorgeous_ face- beautiful and fine, but definitely masculine."

Ling Tong let out a loud huff. "You _are_ the creepiest person ever to set foot on this world," he said, but leaned back, slightly mollified.

"And you are a rude and obnoxious fellow. Always having something like that to say," grumbled a voice.

"Whoa!" Gan Ning shouted, and startled, he looked under the table.

"There's no one there, Ning," Ling Tong snapped.

"Then where's the voice coming from?" the pirate demanded.

"Right here." A few shadows shifted, forming the shape of a man in armor. In the lamplight, dots of light blinked off only one eye.

"Blind Xiahou," Gan Ning exclaimed. "We had no idea-"

Xiahou Dun promptly took out a mirror, looked at it, and smashed it. Gan Ning correctly took that as a sign to shut up.

"When did you come in? You're like a ninja! I didn't even see you!" Ling Tong snorted, impressed. "So there's more to you than meets the eye_._"

"I came in with Zhang He," the one-eyed general replied bluntly, fuming at the stab at his missing body part. "Of course no one noticed me behind the cloud of butterflies. Not worth noticing. No, not worth noticing, me," he muttered. "Sure, I'll just sit here and no one notices me…"

"What is wrong with you?" Gan Ning snorted. "You weren't like that this afternoon, or is this your normal face-"

"Oooohhh my good general, my dearest friend's cousin, what is the meaning of your lack of grace?" Zhang He sighed. "Look at that, Luo!"

"Orgasmvoice!" Gan Ning snorted, squeezing Ling Tong's shoulder.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm surprised you even noticed something is wrong, in fact. 'Be a good general, Xiahou Dun, and go stand somewhere until I need you… Meanwhile I'll ignore you…'" Xiahou Dun fumed.

"Weirdo. Are you talking to yourself?" Ling Tong asked.

"Absolutely not!"

"Now I'm curious," Zhen Ji said, seeming less miffed than she was .03 seconds ago. Apparently gossip was the easy cure to _anything. _

"I said nothing! You boys. Acting like there's something wrong with me. There isn't, and even if there was, no one would notice in the first place!"

"Does my father-in-law know you are this troubled?" Zhen Ji offered.

Xiahou Dun promptly burst into tears. "He doesn't love me anymore!"

"What?" Gan Ning looked startled. "Uh, what the…"

"You are fooling us? Surely you are beautifully dearer to oh, our lord, than anyone else!"

"I should just jump off of a cliff. Now that he is running around with the Lord of the Southlands he doesn't sleep with me anymore. Why don't I jump off a cliff? Yes, why don't I?" the general shouted, blowing his nose on his sleeve.

"What the hell is up with you?" Gan Ning demanded.

"Nothing!" Xiahou Dun snapped. "I told you, pirate, nothing!"

"Ooooohh, sweet General, your usual beauty seems grieved!" Zhang He sang. "Is this all only because our dearest Prime Minister is enjoying ah… Hem… Hem… Cut peaches with the Lord of the Southland?" Zhang He licked his lips. "Perhaps they would let me join…"

"It doesn't matter! If Lord Cao doesn't want to sleep with me anymore, he probably doesn't love me anymore!"

"Wait…" Ling Tong dug up a piece of information in his sadly alcohol-unclouded mind. "Aren't you guys _cousins?"_

"Why yes, I am his eldest uncle's son," Xiahou Dun said proudly.

"…So you're cousins. First cousins."

"Yes," Xiahou Dun repeated.

"And you're bonking him."

"Why must you put it so crudely-"

"So that's incest!"

"No, it is not. We have different surnames."

"But it's still incest. You're still cousins. First cousins."

"Yes, but the point is that my name is Xiahou while his is Cao. It isn't incest that way."

"That doesn't mean you guys aren't first cousins."

"Yes, but it isn't incest."

Ling Tong threw up his hands in exasperation and leaned back on Gan Ning's shoulder. "_What_ is up with these guys?"

The pirate lovingly stroked Ling Tong's ponytail. "Hey, don't get worked up. It's fine. They do what they want. …But it does sound a lot like incest-"

"At least none of our men go around getting knocked up like a village whore!" Xiahou Dun snapped, slamming his fist on the table.

Ling Tong put a hand over his swelling abdomen. "Hey! Are you serious?"

"…General, that comparison doesn't work," Zhen Ji said.

Xiahou Dun sank back into his chair, muttering about jumping off of a cliff again. "Fine. Fine. It's probably bad manners to commit suicide while a guest of-"

"Will you just shut _up _about it?" Ling Tong snapped. "You're really killing me! The Prime Minister doesn't sleep with you for just _one_ night, and all of a sudden you're Lady Butterfly?"

"By the way, it ain't the hormones- this is how he always acts," Gan Ning added.

"Lady Butterfly? Are you saying I am a woman?"

"My _gods!_ Do you know how pitiful and ridiculous you all seem?" Zhen Ji screamed.

"Well, well, look who's talking. Right after you finish throwing that hissy fit of yours," Ling Tong snorted snarkily.

"Catfight!" Gan Ning shouted.

"Well really. I've been ignored and neglected ever since that snotty geeky excuse of a girl has shown up. And you, General Xiahou, your lord goes to bang someone else just for a night and all of a sudden you're such the oh-so-unfortunate victim that you want to go nosedive off a cliff? Honestly, you men are so wimpy! You're just not tough enough to take it."

"You little-" Xiahou Dun began to snarl, but Zhen Ji kept talking.

"And guess what? Guess what? Even after being _dumped,_ you can take another lover. Whatever. No big deal. But me? Noooooo! I'm not allowed to, or my head's gone! Think about it. You guys sleep around and you-"

"-Get hives-" Gan Ning interrupted, but Zhen Ji kept ranting.

"-sleep around and you're just virile and manly! But if a woman sleeps around she's a slutty no-good skank! That's a double standard if I've ever seen one! So yes, I haven't had anything in _three years!_"

"Three years?" Gan Ning snorted. "No sex for three-"

"Shut up, Ning, not everyone has blood type testosterone," Ling Tong snapped. "And seriously. It's called an affair, Zhen Ji. Like behind your husband's back."

Zhang He let out a high-pitched giggle. "Oh my goodness! Scandalous!" he chirped. "Oh, yes, that is an excellent idea- Yes, Luo, why don't you?"

Zhen Ji looked surprised. "…Yes… Why… Don't I?"

Xiahou Dun growled. "You cannot be serious."

"Hell yes I am fucking serious."

"Yes you are!" Zhang He exclaimed, fluttering his hands around his face. "Face it, girl, you've been down and out too long!"

"Yes I have!" Zhen Ji declared. Her eyes smoldered in her head, full of rage, rebellion, and other emotions normally only seen in revolutionary, radical middle-class college students with way too much time on their hands. "Yes! I'll show that Bullshit Piss of a prince!"

"Yes! It is such a shame that your beauty is… Ohhhhh, caged up like this! Beauty should be for all!" Zhang He sang. "I would totally do it with you if I was not oh-so-homosexual!"

That bought up a fair point that quieted Zhen Ji rather quickly.

"Too bad that your 'Bullpiss Prince' is the only straight guy in your country," Ling Tong said simply.

"Well, didn't the Prime Minister say that Shu was flapping down here too? C'mon, not _everyone_ can be gay!" Gan Ning said.

"Ning?"

"Yeah, Tong?"

"It's Shu. _Yes they can._"


	8. Month Five Part One

Interlude: The Young Men of Shu: Ling Tong and Gan Ning Meet A Few Of The New Arrivals Before Official Introductions  
This is part one of this month, coinciding with the arrival of Shu.

* * *

"If you're done trying to tie that sash to make yourself _not_ look fat let's go already!" Gan Ning shouted, exasperated. His bells jingled as he stomped his foot impatiently.

"Hey!" Ling Tong snapped. "What's the rush anyways? That desperate to make some friends? And I'm not fat; I'm having _your_ goddamn baby so don't say anything, pirate."

"Well Shu's arrived!" Gan Ning exclaimed. "Doncha know?"

"Yes, I know, I heard the news last evening while you were too busy being drunk and stripping and dryhumping Xu Huang?"

"Whatever! Well, let's go already! I want to go see everyone!" Gan Ning whined.

"Fine, fine, I'll buckle these on when we get to the training fields," Ling Tong snapped, tossing his gear in his bag and giving up trying to hide his pregnancy. He looked at himself from the front and side in the mirror again. It wasn't like the near-exploding planet he had seen on some women near their due date, but it was there, like a parasitic beach ball. Ling Tong sighed and ended up pulling the sash under his belly. It made it look even more obvious but tying it in the middle slipped down too often. After a final attempt to minimize his stomach, Ling Tong gave up and deliberately strode in front of Gan Ning in the hall.

They came blinking into the noon sunlight. It was spring, and the weather had already shed all the last remnants of chilly gloom it had acquired during the last bouts of winter. Yards away, the sounds of sparring, yelling, innuendos, machoism, and bravado sounded. It was music to both men's ears.

Not to someone else's, though. As they passed over a ramp, a sleeve flashed in front of them. "So, the finest political minds and the greatest of men are assembled in one place, and what is the first thing you do? Well, I would have thought that you would have conversations on the nature of strength and a great sharing of wisdom and knowledge, or perhaps even, oh how radical, attempts at reconciliation and friendship-building for peace… But no, you all run outside and compare who's got the biggest weapon." Sima Yi leaned on the fence, fanning himself and turning his lovely, womanly face away from the fields.

"Yeah, yeah, what?" Ling Tong asked distractedly as he buckled on his shoulder plates and grabbed his polearm.

"Dunno, a whole bunch of stuff and a whole bunch of other stuff- is that Zhao Yun's new weapon? Hah! Compensating! He's still trying to beat Taishi Ci I bet!"

"Psh, he should have worked on more width than length then… Height isn't _everything_ you know."

"Hah, yes I know," Gan Ning said smugly, fondly patting his codpiece underneath his front panel. "Hey Lady Zhen, if you're so concerned about us hurting ourselves or whatever, just keep watching- oh, you're not Lady Zhen."

Sima Yi slapped the fan against his palm with a sharp look. "No, I'm not. Lady Zhen is retired inside. She claims that such things are not appropriate for a woman to see."

"It ain't, especially when half of us are going to end up in the nude," Gan Ning said bluntly. "Hey, Lady Whoever-you-are-"

"I am _Sima Yi!_" Sima Yi snarled angrily. "Of the _manly_ gender, in case you cannot tell!"

"Oh yeah, you. Why are you out here anyways?"

"Thought I could watch and judge you all. Just to see. Size everyone up," the strategist said crisply. "And… Oh, you. General Ling. The pregnant man. It might not be the best idea for you to exert yourself while you are with child. Just a tip."

"Whatever," Ling Tong said, too busy mentally comparing the length of Ma Chao's spear to his own to listen to whatever that female-looking thing was saying. "Hah!" he shouted to the splendid warrior, striding over cockily with his swelling abdomen leading the way. "You call that fancy? You're really killing me, if you think you can use _that_ move for anything!" he sneered, sauntering across to the training circles to where the young men of Wu, Shu, and Wei were nobly comparing techniques… Or just squabbling over who had the biggest weapon without seeming like he was overly compensating for a certain deficiency. Cao Pi, Zhan Yun, Ma Chao, Zhang He, and Guan Ping were presently warming up and practicing on their drills, all the while keeping very keen eyes on each other, or at least until the subject of their visit arrived.

"Well, it is the pregnant man!" Zhao Yun exclaimed happily. "Congratulations!"

Ling Tong backed away, blinking in the unexpected squall of enthusiasm and good cheer. Zhao Yun was exactly the same as he was last time they had met, except for the fact that they were not trying to kill each other. "Uh- thanks?"

The champion of Shu bounced over, swinging his weapon like a cheerleading baton and smiling. "It must be a miracle! Men giving birth! Aren't you excited? I have not seen you since Quan Fortress! Has the scar healed yet?"

"Yeah, I've been putting stuff on it. How's your leg?"

"Well, it got twisted and strained when you yanked me off my horse at the last engagement, but it is good as new. Been keeping up with- Oh, excuse my manners. I do not think that you have ever been formally introduced to Ma Chao? This is Ma Chao!"

Ling Tong looked the blonde warrior up and down and could find nothing to complain about. He admired the other man's good looks and fine armor with approval. Clearly Ma Chao was very aware of how to display his natural attractiveness to its fullest, framed in gold and black like that. "Well, hello."

"Greetings! It is excellent to meet you!" Ma Chao announced, giving Ling Tong the same elevator eyes. His gaze stopped around his midsection, gazing at the mound.

_Gods, were all the men of Shu so fond of shouting everything like a declaration of the Ultimate Truth?_

"We will get along well!" And before anyone knew it, Ling Tong experienced one of Zhan Yun's famous bro-hugs.

"GACK!" he snorted in shock. "Uh- …Hey, are you squeezing my left buttcheek on purpose?"

Guan Ping promptly joined in with the other buttock.

The seconds stretched by like one of Lu Meng's pep talks.

"This is gay," Cao Pi said after a while.

"…Slightly distasteful," Zhang He admitted reluctantly.

"Really gay," Gan Ning agreed.

"Says the man who got another man pregnant- and Zhao Yun, that's _enough!_" Ling Tong shouted.

"Sure? You are okay now?" Zhao Yun asked comfortingly. "I know it is a stressful thing for you. But we will be right here…"

"Grabbing the left side of my ass…"

"…In case you ever need any support…"

"Get your hand off my ass."

"…Or even just someone to talk to."

"Get your hand _off my ass._"

Zhao Yun smiled and gave Ling Tong and his buttcheek a last reassuring squeeze before letting go.

Ling Tong turned his head to narrow his almond-shaped eyes at Guan Yu's son. "…Guan Ping. You too."

"Okay!"

After the moments of sheer awkwardness, Ling Tong tried to sneer but only managed a troubled half-grin.

"Do not worry! I heard our lords discussing… Something that sounded like a truce for this time! So you will not have to go to battle pregnant- there is no one who stands to benefit nor stands to take any victory out of you miscarrying," Ma Chao assured him, mistaking Ling Tong's attempt at derision for nerves. The platinum-blonde warrior swung his spear as he spoke, the gold glittering in the bright sunlight.

Ling Tong seized the excuse to dive out of the previous situation. He readied his poleaxe, and with a nod to Ma Chao, took a step back began going through one of his forms.

"Hah, here's how the men, or any warriors with more technique than a monkey, do it," he sneered, twirling the weapon about in deadly shapes. He stretched up his legs to his head in a show of flexibility that would have made any dancer trying to learn the Moon leg mad with envy, then whipped his body around in a curled spin. "But I doubt you- _arggg!_"

Everyone froze in horror as Ling Tong dropped his weapon and doubled over clutching his pregnant stomach. A sudden sharp pain exploded in his midsection, blotting out his vision for a moment.

"Someone get the fat woman!" Zhao Yun shouted, recovering first. He whirled around and grabbed the nearest servant. "You, fetch the fat woman in charge of the General and his baby," he ordered, then nabbed another. "You two, go get the lords or any superiors-"

"Oh my," Zhang He said quietly, his eyes glittering dimly. The Butterfly Warrior remained perfectly still, watching as the people around him leapt into action. He delicately raised one of his own polished fingernail to his lips and licked it. Ling Tong was temporarily troubled by the strangeness of this behavior, but Gan Ning's ensuing fright drove all thoughts of the eccentric warrior out of mind.

"Tong, are you all right?" Gan Ning cried, his face gray and blanched under its usual tan. The pirate grabbed at Ling Tong, forcing him into a lying position on the ground and feeling the younger man all over as if trying to comfort him or find out what was wrong. "Tong, say something!" he shouted in a strangled voice.

"Fuck you," Ling Tong said, slowly opening his eyes again.

"Tong! You're all right!" Ning shouted in relief and hugged him to his neck.

Pressed up against the pirate's skin, Ling Tong could smell Gan Ning's usual strong cocktail of sweat, oil, and something woody and quite pleasant to him. Despite the ensuing panic and Cao Pi's futile attempts to get people to obey his suggestions, he felt quite peaceful in his rival's arms. The pain had long since faded, and he was suddenly very aware of both the growing life in his center and the pirate who had put it there. His stomach, or if he was dare finally use the word, womb, suddenly felt very hot and throbbing, as if he could feel the entire networks and roadways of blood and fluids supporting the future human inside of him. Unwillingly, he felt himself grabbing Gan Ning's arm with one hand and his mound with the other. "Ning…"

"What?" Gan Ning asked, leaning in. The pirate's other arm stretched out and began tracing a concerned circle around Ling Tong's puffed-out navel.

Ling Tong opened his mouth to speak, but realized that the assembled crowd was very keenly watching and listening.

"…Nothing. You're stupid and you snore," he said, just to keep up appearances, but his words lacked any real conviction.

"Thanks, Tong, I-" Gan Ning began, but a hailstorm of heavy footsteps interrupted.

"Step aside, step aside, you too!" Madame Du snapped, hauling Gan Ning off of Ling Tong by his feathers. "You, General Ling, what happened?" she demanded.

"Nothing!" Ling Tong snapped, his mood suddenly souring. What was it with people and going berserk over nothing? "I was just doing the North Crane form and I just cramped up or something-"

"Martial arts? You?" Madame Du snorted. "You have to be joking."

"I'm not." Ling Tong reached for his fallen weapon, but Madame Du kicked it away. "Hey!"

"Absolutely _no_ physical exertion of this kind!" Madame Du said, every word falling into place like the slamming of a door. "Are you a fool, man? That is setting you up for-"

"Hey, hey, it wasn't even _exertion_ really!" Ling Tong snapped. "And wasn't it you who said to get exercise?"

"Not this kind!" Madame Du exclaimed. "Exercise, not military drills-"

"What has happened?" Cao Cao, Liu Bei, and Sun Quan all skidded to a halt together in front of Ling Tong. Cao Cao was still trying to put on his inner shirt, and Liu Bei was desperately trying to pull on his pants. "We heard that the pregnant general had an accide-"

"I didn't! I'm fine!" Ling Tong shouted angrily. "Why is everyone all worked up? Sheesh, I don't even care!"

"Ling Tong, are you all right?" Sun Quan asked worriedly. "The messenger boy-"

"I just said I'm okay," Ling Tong snapped. "I just cramped up. That's all. Stuff like this happens everyday on the training grounds… But for the big three lords to come down here? I guess I'm that special."

"Do I even need to repeat? This is not just about _you!_" Cao Cao exclaimed.

"If you do not mind, I'm assigning you exercises to do. Everyday," Madame Du interrupted vindictively. "And _stretches_."

Any woman who had ever had the expert care of Madame Du would have understood the special connotations behind her _stretches._ Those women would also be the first to either run far, far away or cackle at Ling Tong, depending on their respective dispositions.

But Ling Tong had no idea what the stretches entailed. "…Fine!" he snapped, snatching the instructions and diagrams she proffered.

"Your lover can help you with some of them," she said nastily.

"Oh?" Ling Tong said, turning away from the midwife. "Really. Well I'm fine now. You guys can all go away," he snapped. "Back to your afternoon sex or whatever you guys are doing together with your clothes off."

Liu Bei flushed a bright red and yanked his pants up backwards.

"Ling Tong…" Sun Quan began, but shook his head and turned back to the other lords. "Why don't we… Go back… To… Discussing politics…. Yes, definitely politics…"

"Oh? Very well, we shall," Cao Cao said, tilting his head in an amused manner. "Yes, very important matters…" he added, yanking Liu Bei and Sun Quan back towards the meeting room with the largest table.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes as the lords walked away. "Really…"

"You shouldn't blame them. Take better care of yourself and get some common sense," Madame Du said sharply, tearing off another set of instructions from her notepad and slapping it to Ling Tong before striding away importantly herself.

"Was it _really_ just a cramp?" Cao Pi said slowly.

"Huh? Oh yeah, you guys." Ling Tong shakily stood up and gripped his weapon. "Yeah. Really was. Anyone up for sparring?"

Zhao Yun's mouth dropped in righteous surprise. "After everything your woman doctor just said? Did she not make it clear enough that you may no partake in this type of activi-"

"Yeah, she did," Ling Tong snorted. "Unless you're just too chicken, I mean-"

"You dare call him a coward?" Ma Chao bellowed.

"Well, if he's trying to use it as an excuse not to face me, that really doesn't leave room for much else-"

"Tong, maybe you should take it a bit easy today…" Gan Ning said cautiously.

"Not you too!" Ling Tong groaned.

"Tong, really!" Gan Ning said, tenderly taking him by the shoulders and touching his nose to his neck. "You haven't forgotten, have you? You're pregnant now…"

"Fine!" He abruptly pushed the pirate away and started walking off.

Gan Ning looked a bit hurt. "What?"

"I'm not a _woman,_ you know, I'm still Ling Tong, in case you haven't forgotten." He turned his head over his shoulder and glared balefully.

"What?" Gan Ning cried.

"I'm not a weakling, you know," Ling Tong spat. "Sure, appreciate the concern, thanks, whatever, whatever! You guys are killing me!" He turned around and stomped off, swinging his weapon over his shoulder.

"Tong, wait! Tong! _Tong_!"

* * *

A conversation concerning this chapter. Last line says it all.

Lin C  
6:15  
/?

GuoGuo  
6:15  
Well, it's not as good as the other chapters.  
Needs more

Lin C:  
6:21  
Yea thought so too.  
Needs more what?

GuoGuo  
6:23  
Sorry. Nevermind. I'd help write but I got nothing.

GuoGuo  
6:24  
On a block. Plus lots to finish. I'm real sorry.

Lin C:  
6:24  
np, don;t worry.

GuoGuo  
6:24  
Why doncha just publish it? You've been staringa t it forever.I don't think anymore's gonna come out

GuoGuo  
6:26  
Besides, I have the other chappies good to go. Can't wait for next month  
Haha

Lin C:  
6:28  
xDDDDD good point.

GuoGuo  
6:29  
I mean, we can always take it back down and deletel it.


	9. Month Five Part Two

_Thump. Bang. Thump. _"Tong, Tong, let me in!" Gan Ning's shouts barely rose above the pounding of his fists on the door. "Tong-"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time!" Ling Tong opened the door and tilted his head, his hair soaking wet and clinging to his face. "You can just knock… What's up, Ning?"

The pirate put down his hands and breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey Tong. Sorry."

Ling Tong unwound the towel off of his waist and started to dry off his hair, standing in only his loincloth bunched under his belly. "For what? Don't sweat it, man. Come in."

Gan Ning knew to let the earlier issue go and walked in without a second thought or word. Ling Tong could hold a grudge like a chronic rash, but when he himself was in the wrong, he preferred to bury it and get over it. But Ling Tong also never demanded (or took) apologies, which was good for a bandit who hated saying sorry. "Whatcha doing?"

"Cleaning up and dressing, for the banquet tonight. Meeting all of Shu, it seems."

Ling Tong continued to dry his hair, kicking aside a pile of old laundry and sitting back on his unmade bed. The room was a mess, as always, but at least it was lit by sunlight. The days were slowly getting longer, but sunset still came earlier than anyone would have liked.

"I've been running all over looking for you! Where were you? I've been looking for hours!" Gan Ning said indignantly.

"I was taking a bath."

"For two hours?"

Ling Tong narrowed his eyes and rubbed his stomach. "Yes." He leaned forward and sniffed the air around Gan Ning. "…And you could use one yourself."

"Fine! Well, I was running everywhere! I was really worried, you know!" Gan Ning said indignantly, unclasping his armor and throwing it onto Ling Tong's cluttered desk.

"Oh?" Ling Tong asked coldly. "Worried, about what?"

Gan Ning shook his head. "Why are you so touchy about it? What's wrong with asking if you're okay?"

"Because you don't need to," Ling Tong snapped. "All of a sudden I'm incapable? Or weak? Come on! When I woke up after being run over by that Tiger Tank last year, what was the first thing you said? 'Haha Tong betcha can't do this!' But now, I get a little cramp and you're going 'Oh no Tong sit down before you die?' What, I'm not as good as everyone else or something?"

"Look, Tong, you're overthinking this," Gan Ning replied, throwing down the last of his armor angrily onto the floor. "_No one_ is saying you're weak, or inferior, or whatever. We're just worried. Besides. In case you haven't noticed, pregnant women are fragile. It seems they just fall over dead every other day! Why should a man be any different?" Gan Ning snapped. "You think you're having it tough? You're paranoid that people are thinking less of you? Well guess what, Tong, in case you haven't realized, having a baby is goddamn _dangerous._ Especially this- it's jumping into unknown waters. And I'm not supposed to be scared?"

"You? Scared? You're not the one having the baby-"

"No, _you_ are- that's why I'm scared!" Gan Ning flung his pants onto the ground angrily.

Ling Tong later thought that there should have been a meaningful, poignant silence, like the kind in plays after a sudden confession or a plot twist. It would have made things cleaner, and maybe even have left him time to absorb what his lover had just blurted.

But life, especially when Gan Ning was involved, was rarely artistic or clean. The pirate continued shouting along his stream of thought. "-Or else I would have suggested that! I even went looking- the back alleys, outside the capital- but you know, you being a man complicated _everything. _I don't trust that Taoist, but he probably knows better than any of us! And that makes me nervous- we don't know anything-"

"Ning-" Ling Tong began, but the pirate continued to rant.

"But scared? Yes, I'm scared! I'll say it right now! The great Gan Ning's scared! Go ahead and laugh, Tong, but that's the truth- if anything happens to you- I'm scared shitless!"

"Ning, it's just like a battle! This is war- all of us are riskin' our lives everyday-"

"No, it's not! This is different!"

_Now_ there was a silence. They stood apart, glaring at each other and panting for breath.

"Don't be stupid, Tong," Gan Ning finally said. "You're acting like _I'm_ the illogical one."

"Well, maybe we're both being illogical. So what?" Ling Tong snapped. "Just don't worry about it."

"Then just don't complain about me worrying!" the pirate stepped forward and crossed his arm over his chest.

"Well, _you_ don't worry!"

"Fine! Sorry! I won't worry then!" Gan Ning said loudly.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. It was the pirate's way of dealing with him in particular. Give in a little, give in a little, and make him dance his way too while at it. "Come on, Ning, let's just get dressed and go."

"What? I'm trying to get you to get my point here! Don't just ignore it and-"

"I get your point already!" Ling Tong snapped. "I get it, okay? I see what you're saying, but I'm not seeing eye-to-eye with you. Okay?"

"Not okay! We've got a problem-"

"And we'll deal with it, later, when _both_ of us can yell about it rationally," Ling Tong snorted.

Gan Ning nodded his assent. "Okay, when we're both fine. I'll be right back- uh… I mean, meet you… Later… At the banquet hall?"

"Sure. Don't worry. I won't die on the way."

* * *

Ling Tong had meant to come in and sit quietly.

But the moment he came near the table, Lu Meng stood up and shouted, "Ling Tong, we were waiting for you!"

Everyone went quiet, and the entire crowd's eyes bounced towards him, or at least his abdomen.

"Cover blown," Ling Tong muttered to himself.

"Hey Tong, I saved you a seat-" Gan Ning shouted quickly, but Sun Quan interrupted.

"General Ling, can you please come over here-"

"Old Man, are you guys trying to take Tong?" Gan Ning accused.

"No, but Ling Tong needs to sit there with the lords-" Lu Meng began.

"What?" Ling Tong shouted. "But I want to sit with Ning-"

"Ling Tong, you do have obligations you know…"

_Clink._ "Oh no, I just accidentally pushed your chopsticks and silverware off the table," Gan Ning shouted, coming to his rescue.

"Ning…" Was the pirate total _moron_ or something?

"You should come over here and you know, pick a new set," Gan Ning continued lamely.

"Gan Ning, what are you doing? Ling Tong, why don't you come over here… All the sets are the same anyways," Sun Quan said, motioning towards the lords.

Ling Tong nearly grabbed his head in frustration. Why couldn't the idiot think of a better excuse?

_Clink._ "Oops, I dropped your cup too. Here, you can have mine- you might want to come here and examine it first though,

"He can have a new cup!" Lu Meng exclaimed in frustration. "Ling Tong, can't you just come ov-"

"Wait, I need to talk to Tong privately!" Gan Ning shouted.

"Talk about what?" Lu Meng said crossly.

"Uh, private stuff. It's personal," Gan Ning said defensively.

"Hmm, private enough so that you can't talk about it right now, but not private enough so that you two can shout about it right next to each other in the same room as everyone else?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Well, then you can tell us then. We'll hear anyways."

"Well, no, I don't think-"

"Gan Ning, it can't be that personal, can it, if you want to talk about it in front of… Zhao Yun and everyone else, but not us?"

Ling Tong could predict this not ending well. He slowly started towards Gan Ning and his saved seat. Maybe he could get there in time, or at least before that pirate said something that they would both regret.

"Well, it's complicated," Gan Ning said. "You wouldn't get it."

"Oh?" said Cao Cao, who was currently managing nineteen jealous women and one nutcracking one, a son with two wives trying to kill each other, an overemotional slightly-incestuous cousin with bouts of suicidal hysteria, several maniacal generals, an evil strategist, and a kingdom full of insane egomaniacs.

"Anyways, Tong, I gotta tell you now, so you really should come over here-"

"You have to tell him now?" Sun Quan asked quizzically. "Well, go ahead."

"Yes, go ahead," Zhuge Liang said vindictively. "I'm sure we would all be interested."

"It's personal stuff!"

"But it's urgent, is it not? Go on, tell him," the Shu strategist said.

"It's… Uh…" Gan Ning said slowly, his eyes darting around the room for help. Ling Tong only gave him a headshake and a hidden middle finger for getting himself into the situation in the first place. "It's…"

"Go on."

"Well, I found out that…" Gan Ning said, inventing madly. "I found, I have…"

"You have what?"

"I'm thinking- uh, I mean, I have crabs," he said desperately.

There was a long silence in the room. Ling Tong slowly felt his brain melting.

"…Thank you for sharing, Gan Ning," Lu Meng said awkwardly, coughing.

There was _another_ long silence.

"Well, anyways, Ling Tong- Ling Tong, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to go sit with my boyfriend," Ling Tong snapped. "Even if he has crotch lice," he added seethingly.

"Ling To-" Lu Meng began, but the Southern Lord stopped him.

"Let him," Sun Quan whispered. "I wouldn't put him next to our guests when he's like that anyways- it's a walking assassination attempt."

"Crabs? _Crabs?_ Couldn't you think of a less-humiliating excuse?" Ling Tong snorted, whacking Gan Ning over the shoulder with a plate. He heaved himself and his bulging midsection into a seat.

"Hey, hey, it was the only thing I could think of that was 'private' but not 'confidential!'" Gan Ning replied. It seemed that the banquet was organized into age groups instead of kingdom. While Huang Gai and Huang Zhong were yelling at each other on the opposite side of the room and the Cao-Xiahou clan (along with Zhang He) was snuggled up to Liu Bei's oath brothers, Zhao Yun, Ma Chao, Cao Pi, Taishi Ci, amongst the other younger men, were sitting around with Gan Ning.

"Wait, so you don't really have crabs, do you?" Zhao Yun asked the moment the pirate knelt back down.

"No!" Gan Ning snapped. "No, I don't!"

"What crab?" Guan Ping asked, clearly over his head.

"You don't need to know until your testicles descend- and why aren't you sitting with Lu Xun and the other baby-faced jailbait kids?" Ling Tong snorted.

"Lu Xun asked me to sit with him but my dad said that I had to sit with Zhao Yun so he can keep an eye on me," Guan Ping said.

"Actually, Lord Kongming told us to keep him away from, and I quote, justifiably, 'other small squeaky cute things' like your Lu Xun, so they don't breed by accident…" Ma Chao explained in too many decibels.

"Hah, don't have to worry about them multiplying; they're both guys." Ling Tong laughed before accidentally whacking his pregnant stomach against the table.

"Yeah, yeah," Gan Ning chortled, quickly rubbing Ling Tong's abdomen.

"Anyways, General Ling," Ma Chao shouted in his normal tone of voice. "Do you not think that the warmbloods from the far west are much superior to the ponies of the north?"

"Oh no, not this again!" Cao Pi groaned. "Don't worry about it, General. We were just arguing about this, and I do say-"

"You do not!" Taishi Ci snapped. "I don't want a horse that breaks a leg every time it goes up anything other than a well-paved road-"

"-Or Cao Pi's ass-" Gan Ning shouted heatedly.

"That was absolutely _uncalled_ for-"

"Horses? That's all you guys were talking about? Sheesh!" Ling Tong snorted. "And I was worried that I was missing something…"

"Well… Actually that was only a bit. We were just enjoying you know. Being together. And talking. Without having to stab each other, you know," Zhao Yun said, an arm around Xu Huang. "We've all met before… But how many times have we actually sat down and talked? How much do we really know about each other?"

"Not much. Because it's really a lot harder to behead someone if you know each other," Ling Tong snapped sourly.

"C'mon, Tong, give 'em a chance!" Gan Ning wheedled, sticking his body over to lean on Ling Tong's shoulders.

"Hey, hey, whatever," Ling Tong laughed. "So what did I miss?"

"Uh, we were just talking about our families," Guan Ping piped up as in the background, Xiahou Dun and Guan Yu were stabbing at each other with serving forks. "And like, how it is back home… You know, drama and stuff…"

"Drama?" Cao Pi snorted. "You could make a blasted _opera_ out of my life!"

"I dunno, you did kind of bring it onto yourself…" Zhao Yun said unsurely.

"My fault? It's not my fault that women just are _crazy!_ All I want to do is, you know, spend a bit more time with Nuwang, and all of a sudden I'm stuck in the middle of a catfight! Both of them are berserk! If this keeps up they're going to rip me in two-"

"Why do you even like Guo Nuwang anyways? She's kinda a bitch, and she's fat and kinda not that pretty…" Gan Ning said. "I mean no offense, but Zhen Ji's kinda a real eight or nine…"

Cao Pi stopped for a moment. "I don't know… She's just, you know. Really smart, and she actually _gets_ what I'm saying… She's a lot more help with administration than Zhen Luo ever was… You should see her with the books…" He got a far-off look in his eye. "And she gets me. I can really talk to her, and I know she's kind of blunt sometimes, but I feel like I can really talk to her… She understands my poetry, I mean, and gets what I'm trying to say even when I don't say it. She really gets me- _why_ are you snickering?"

Fending off Cao Pi's angry glare, Ling Tong waved a hand. "Nothing, nothing."

The Prince of Wei reverted back to his usual slick demeanor. "Anyways, my father says it's my choice who I want as my principle wife," he snapped.

"Yeah, because obviously there aren't going to be any hurt feelings over that-"

"Of course your father would say something like that. He's really got it going around, doesn't he? How many siblings do you have by now?" Zhao Yun asked curiously.

"That's none of your business!"

"Hey, you started it-"

"As if any of _you_ have a normal family!"

"Ma Chao went on a whole rant about justice… Cao Cao killed his old daddy or something," Taishi Ci explained. "And somehow that corresponds to justice?"

"Yeah, don't be silly. I mean, probably every man you've ever killed's someone's daddy out there," Gan Ning. "You really can't just hold a grudge about that so much…"

Ling Tong wondered whether he was still talking to Ma Chao.

"But Cao Cao did it! It was unjust!" Ma Chao protested, raking a hand through his platinum hair.

"What? I don't even get it!"

"Cao Mengde killed my entire clan!"

"Yeah, and you're saying you never did that?"

"But I am not Cao Mengde am I?"

"What does that have to do with anything? So it's okay for you to kill a bunch of related people but not for Cao Cao to?"

"Well I have a worthy cause!"

"Which is…." Ling Tong prompted.

"Serving my lord Liu Bei to reunite the land under the Han!" he declared majestically.

"Uh, so like my father, but with a different irrelevant, impractical moral imperative tacked on?" Cao Pi asked questioningly. "But other than that…."

"Okay, it's justice, it's honor, okay?" Ma Chao snapped, clearly irritated. "If you can't understand that-"

"We just don't understand how killing people is any better if you say you're doing it for the sake of this old imperial lineage! I mean, guess how Liu Bang got into power!" Cao Pi snapped.

"Just because you do not have a sense of morality-"

"Well, you don't ha-"

"I had two fathers," Gan Ning suddenly declared in an attempt to cut of the war brewing a few feet away from him.

Everyone stared at him for a moment.

"Uh…. I suppose that explains a lot about your personal life, General Gan?" Zhao Yun said politely.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "No, no, he means that he was raised by two separate men, who by the way were_ not_ together."

"Oh, I thought you meant like…" Xu Huang said slowly. "Like…"

"No, not like us now," Ling Tong said, putting an elbow on Gan Ning's shoulder. "Aren't we original?"

"Yeah. Besides I don't know who my real-real father is. Not that it matters, that old man never did shit for me!" Gan Ning shrugged. "I wouldn't be able to find him even if I wanted too- too many Gans out there."

"But that would be a shame, that your child wouldn't know its grandfather," Ma Chao protested. "Even I knew my grandfather, before Cao Mengde killed my entire-"

"Shut it, Horse Boy," Cao Pi snapped. "Anyways, there's Ling Tong's father, right? That's a grandfather. Yeah, that works."

Gan Ning and Ling Tong sat in an awkward silence as Cao Pi continued to speak.

"Even if we're considering Gan Ning the father, the maternal grandfather is still a grandfather. I mean, it's still important- oh, you're not on good terms with your father, Ling Tong?" Cao Pi asked. "Well, I'm sure he'd want to know that his son's pregnant with a grandson on the way…" he snorted sardonically.

"Uh." Gan Ning said uncomfortably.

"Cao Pi, Gan Ning killed Ling Tong's father quite a long time ago," Zhao Yun said, coughing awkwardly like Lu Meng with sinus trouble. "It's something I don't think either of them want to talking about."

Cao Pi put his chopsticks down and gave them both an appraising look. "Oh yeah. I'm always mixing up who killed whose uncle or father or whatever... What made you two get together?"

"Either mind your own business or get back in the closet," Ling Tong snapped.

"Why? I'm just curious."

"Well be curious about something else, kay?"

"Well, if you're so _touchy_ about it…"

"I'm not touchy, it's just something I don't like talking about!" Ling Tong snapped.

"Well, don't-"

"The more I get to know you the more I want to lock you in an outhouse!"

"Yeah, if it wasn't that Old Man and your father would have my skin I'd shove you right back in-" Gan Ning began, but the Cao Pi rose to the blow.

"My father? Are you saying that I need my father's protection?" he asked coldly, his eyes glittering angrily.

Zhao Yun snorted. "I believe that he is not saying that, but rather implying that it is your father he fears and not you, and for good reason-"

"Oh, you shut up; you're just Zhuge Liang's lapdog!" Cao Pi growled.

Zhao Yun smiled proudly and straightened his back. "Oh, yes, yes," he said nobly.

Ling Tong snorted. "What? You're proud of it?"

"Is there nothing not honorable about such a position?" Zhao Yun asked. "To have a command to lead you into the light… To have a lord to salute and serve… To fight for the glory and honor of a man you would die for…"

Cao Pi stared at him oddly, but Ma Chao nodded in agreement.

"There is nothing finer!" Ma Chao bellowed. "Honor and courage are present! And justice!"

"And to have someone you can bow to!" Zhao Yun added, throwing his cup in the air.

"Psh, that's nothing, you bow your ass to me all the time…" Gan Ning muttered to Ling Tong.

"Someone you can turn to in case you have lost the push or are have your path to truth mired!"

"I got a bottle of laxatives for that…"

"Someone who you will proudly place on a throne, a golden carriage, the imperial house!"

"…Well, we did do blindfolded piggyback race last year…"

"Someone who will pull down your pants and spank you if you have been bad or have looked at the unrighteous path or just because he felt like it!" Zhao Yun bellowed in veneration.

"Well- wait, _what?_"

"Oh, he does that to you too?" Guan Ping squeaked.

"What? Zhuge Liang does _what_ to you?" Gan Ning snorted, knocking over a nearby bowl of soup. "Guan Ping, who old are you? Twelve? Fourteen? Man, man, man, does your dad know-"

"No, Lord Zhuge has never pulled down my pants, nor has he ever touched me anywhere other than my head and hands," Guan Ping said, huffing.

Gan Ning sat back in his seat with a relief. "Phew. I was thinking that he was a pedo for a mome-"

"Lord Pang does, though."

_Pffft._ "What the hell is _up_ with Shu?" Ling Tong shouted, waggling his fingers in the air. "Okay. First, the leader is a sex-deprived closet homosexual. Second, his oath brother is _obsessed_ about licking syrup off of Zhang Liao's chest. Third, now we know one strategist thinks spanking is a good punishment for grown officers and the other strategist is touching little boys. Fourth-"

"What are you saying about us?" Zhao Yun demanded. "I do not see anything wrong with that-"

"Nevermind, _fourth,_ their poster boy sees nothing wrong with that!"

"Perhaps you should-" Ma Chao began, but Cao Pi interrupted.

"Oh, why do you even bother," Cao Pi snapped. "Face it, your kingdom makes my harem look like a neat, organized, functioning pla-"

"_You_ quit it! You're just so arrogant 'cause your father's Cao-"

"And you're just angry 'cause your lord loves Liu Bei more than you-"

Later, after all the injuries had been settled and some certain people were firmly put into "quiet thought time," Ma Chao claimed that Cao Pi had started it, while Cao Pi claimed that Zhao Yun jumped at him, and Zhao Yun couldn't say anything because his mouth was full of bandages.

Either way, dishes and cutlery went flying as two fiery young warriors clashed and charged each other, the space over what had previously been stewed pork serving as their battleground.

Ling Tong heard sudden shouts from the adult's table and quickly assumed that it was concerning his two new acquaintances. He realized his error when the sound of Xiahou Yuan's bellowing and Huang Zhong's cursing rose into the air, punctuated by bouts of breaking lacquer ware.

"Cheers, Ning," Ling Tong said casually, lifting up a dish of water.

"Cheers!" Gan Ning agreed, reaching over with an arm around his friend.

Ling Tong leaned against the pirate's shoulder as bits of food and hair flew their way. "Look at them go," he sighed happily. "Look at them go."


	10. Month Six

Ling Tong Is Male, Hugely Pregnant, And Naked In Front Of A Lot Of People, Sun Quan Attempts To Put Overemotional, Irritable, Insane, and Volatile Enemies (def: (n) People who love and hate each other to extreme degrees, at the same time) In A Too-Small Room, and Doctor Wars: Clash Of The MDs

* * *

Ling Tong scrabbled for a handhold on the white sheets. That done, he let out a groan and heaved his enormous abdomen up into a more comfortable position. He hoped that he was only imagining the feel of the child inside sloshing around like a bean in a bag full of water.

"Yeah, yeah, so I just sit here in a white robe like a chick at a funeral?" Ling Tong snorted, leaning back on the raised bed.

"Yeah, yeah." Gan Ning yawned and stretched. "Gotta say, knowing you it wouldn't be _your_ funeral." The pirate's hands reached out from behind Ling Tong and ran through the younger man's hair and along his neck.

Ling Tong shivered pleasantly at the touches. "Mmm, Ning, what are you doing?" he murmured as fingers caressed his ears. He tilted his head, leaning into the pirate's hands.

"You seemed stressed," the pirate said, still stroking his face.

"Congratulations Ning, stating the obvious. Let's get a bit of empathy on, if you can," Ling Tong snapped.

A hand strayed into the robe and touched Ling Tong's growing mound. Gan Ning leaned over the younger man's shoulder with interest.

The hand continued to move, stroking its fingers in circles around Ling Tong's popping bellybutton. "I think it's kinda too big," he said, as if unsure of what to make of this new development.

"There's a baby in there," Ling Tong said, putting a hand on the back of Gan Ning's and guiding it around the mound. "See? Baby."

"Oh."

"Must be a big baby by the looks of it…" He rolled his eyes. "I feel like Xu Zhu after a buffet."

"Huh?"

"Fat." Ling Tong sighed and smoothed back his hair, looking depressed.

"Here, I'll make you feel better." Without asking for permission, Gan Ning strode around behind him and grabbed the taller man's hips, yanking them back to meet his own. Ling Tong took a moment of pride to think that even if his waist was ballooning like an anxious pufferfish at least everything else was just as sculpted and, well, did he dare flatter himself, appealing, as it was before this whole mess.

Ling Tong grinned to himself as he felt the pirate shifting him into a better position and fumbling with the ties of his pants in the front. The day was about to get a whole lot better-

"Cough, cough, Gan Ning, Ling Tong, don't do anything." Lu Meng pushed the door open and strode in, giving the younger men another one of his patronizing I-know-what-you're-going-to-do-so-don't-do-it looks. "No one's going to want to examine you in _that_ state."

"What? Noooo!" Ling Tong cried in despair, sitting back down. "Geez, can't you just give me a break?"

"Yeah, old man! ...And what examination?" Gan Ning demanded. "Who's examining Tong?"

"Well, since Shu has come… We thought… Now would be a good time to… You know, examine you." Lu Meng let out a slightly embarrassed cough. "Cao Cao is eager enough as is, and there aren't anymore excuses for waiting, I suppose…"

"What?" Ling Tong shouted, sitting up bolt upright. The open robe folded open around his pregnant midsection. "_Examine_ me? That's okay, but _who_ is the one examining?"

"Madam Du and… You've never met him but his family name is Tao, his given name is Yang, and his Taoist title is Galloping Tortoise. Doctor Tao. He is highly thought of by Hua Tuo and is expert in the ailments of both men and women… So… He was the best choice, you see."

"Uh-huh… So… You seem to be making excuses for him or something," Ling Tong said suspiciously.

"Well, Doctor Tao is a _little_ bit eccentric. Hah. Hah. Nothing big though. Just little quirks everyone has… Doesn't make him a bad person, no, it doesn't…" Lu Meng said, suddenly very interested in the woodwork on the windows.

"Whatever," Ling Tong slowly said, still wary.

"Can't be worse than the priest who started all this!" Gan Ning chirped from behind.

"Oh no, Ning, can't be worse than an old man who gets a kick out of pushing vaginas into young men. Anyways, so, let's get this over with, if the doctors are here."

"….Wait a while, Ling Tong," Lu Meng said.

"Huh? Why?"

"Well… Shu was a little bit preoccupied when I last saw them… Another row over certain materials banned by Master Zhuge. So we're waiting… I mean, we don't want them to feel unwelcome or left out if only us and Wei get to examine you," Lu Meng said patronizingly.

"Say that again? For a moment, I thought that you were implying that all the kingdoms were going to barge in here and put their slimy little eyes all over me. Hello? Privacy, and if even applicable anymore, my dignity?" Ling Tong snorted.

"Dignity? You're preggers!" Gan Ning chortled. "Can't have both if you're a man!"

"Ning, usually you can't have that second thing if you're a man. Anyways, oh yes, we'll put three kingdoms' worth of enemies in the same room, ignoring the fact that most of them are _nuts _and violent, sadistic madmen who would rape a rabid mountain lion just because they were horny, yeah, put them all together and hope that nothing happens?" Ling Tong sneered, running a hand over his swelling stomach. It had become a habit, like biting nails, something to do with his hands. He had realized it and tried to stop the first time Gan Ning noticed and laughed aloud, but to no avail. His long fingers tapped along a light tan line stretching from his crotch to his navel and across the tight, smooth sphere of his abdomen.

"Well, I am sure they will behave themselves, all of them. They are all mature and disciplined individuals. And they are the finest and greatest of all the men in China. I am sure that they will act like it," Lu Meng said with so much desperate conviction that for a moment Ling Tong nearly believed him until he remembered who exactly they were talking about.

"Uh. Yeah. Of course."

* * *

"Who said _you_ could walk in first?"

"Stop touching me! I said, _stop touching me!_" Sima Yi screamed.

"He bumped me! Guan Yu just _bumped_ me! Did anyone see that? He just shoved me aside!"

"I did _not!_"

"You so did! Everyone saw that, right?"

"Shut up Xiahou Yuan! No one cares- arg! You bumped me back on purpose!" Zhang Fei screamed and pushed the bear-like general, who collided with Lu Xun and sent the boy tumbling.

"Oof!" he squealed as Lu Meng caught him and pulled him upright by the pants. "Oh, thank you Master Lu!"

"No problem at all," Lu Meng said, breaking into an awkward sweat. "Just a moment-" He backed away to get a breath of air, only to slam his back into Xiahou Yuan.

"GAWWWRRR!" Xiahou Yuan grabbed the nearest thing and began to pound in Lu Meng with it. Unfortunately that 'nearest thing' happened to be Pang Tong.

"Arg! Ouch! Ouch! Put me down!"

"What are they doing to Pang Tong? Someone stop Xiahou Yuan- _ARGGG STOP TOUCHING ME!" _Sima Yi shrieked.

"I am _not_ touching you!" Huang Gai snapped.

Zhang Liao rubbed his face with his hands. "We're _all_ crammed in here like rice in a bag! It's inevitable that someone will brush up against someone!"

"He was brushing his hand on me on purpose! Just to spite me! He knows I don't like people touching me- GET AWAY FROM ME! GAH!"

"See? I told you! We're all trying to get through the same door, and we're all stuck in the same room, so it's inevitable that we'll all be touching each other," Zhang Liao explained slowly. "So just calm down and get over- …Lord Liu Bei, I know that's you. Please get your hands off of my rear end."

"Sorry, I just brushed against you; we're just all crammed so tight you see…"

Zhang Liao snarled and whirled around, reaching for his halberds, which weren't there due to the first sensible precaution anyone had taken the entire time: _Leave your weapons in your room._

"Are you threatening my brother?" Guan Yu roared. "Stand, scoundrel, and fight me- Oh, sweet Wenyuan, it's you, why don't you come stand next to me? I know we're all packed in here, so you know, it's natural that-"

"NO!" Zhang Liao screamed and ducked behind Huang Gai, fuming angrily at the nostrils.

The pirate and the pregnant man watched the parade of flashy costumes, armor, and headdresses. It was actually quite a spectacle, watching as embroidered sleeves swished like wings, armor shone and clanged brightly, and headgear bobbed up and down as if on a gentle breeze (although in reality, it was due to the head underneath that headgear getting beaten in by someone else). Ling Tong curled up a lip. If he was going to have to go through the sheer embarrassment of being stripped, poked, and prodded in front of all three kingdoms he hoped that his audience was going through just as much torment as he was.

And besides, they were getting irritated and angry beyond belief, and he didn't even have to lift a finger!

"Lord Strategist, I am getting hungry," Zhao Yun whined.

"Lord Kongming, is there a bathroom anywhere?" Ma Chao asked.

"Lord Zhuge, where's my father? Lord Zhuge!" Guan Ping bleated.

"Hey Liang, I can't find the, you know, the red box of things I bought. Do you remember where you put them?" Liu Bei said, tugging on Zhuge Liang's sleeve. "…Liang?"

Zhuge Liang took a deep breath. "Zhao Yun, I packed you a meatbun. It's in the back pocket of my knapsack. Ma Chao, you just went five minutes ago. Just hold it. Guan Ping, he's over there in an argument with Xiahou Yuan. My lord Liu-"

"Lord Strategist, this is the wrong kind of meat-"

"But I really really really need to go-"

"FUCK YOU ALL!" Zhuge Liang yelled, flinging Ma Chao and Guan Ping aside with a crackle of blue fire and marching to the front.

"This is why I used the side door," sighed a rather nonchalant voice. Cao Cao stepped out of the melee with Xiahou Dun on his arm and Xu Chu behind him (Dian Wei was last seen punching Wei Yan somewhere in the middle of the crowd). "Well, where is the lord Sun? I would advise starting before any more people lose any more brain cells…" The Prime Minister yawned in a feline manner and narrowed his eyes at Ling Tong. "Well, General Ling, aren't you getting rather large. Hope for a big healthy son, I suppose."

"Thanks," Ling Tong said without any actual thankfulness. He looked around as slowly, the chaos died a bit down (ie. they started running out of fresh heads to bash), and the other two lords and their high officials were able to make their way to the front.

As if on cue, the door slid open again, and Madame Du walked in, a cheerful expression on her grandmotherly face.

"Well, General, g'day, how have you been? Any new pains, problems?" she asked, walking briskly to the examination bed. She didn't bother to even hint at "excuse me." Rather, she barged her way through like a pudding-shaped battering ram, stepping on anyone who was in her way. The great general Guan Yu found his metal-framed boots sporting a new dent, and the steel tips of Zhang Liao's shoes were suddenly not so tippy anymore.

"Hi," Ling Tong said grudgingly as Madame Du approached. "Been fine, aside from everything I already wrote to you about," he muttered, suddenly aware that everyone, literally everyone, was watching him. For the first time in a while, he felt slightly at loss for words. "Back aches, cramping legs, indigestion, feeling unbalanced, more cramps, general aches, aches, aches, the whole drill."

"Good, good. Well-"

"Lady Du," Sun Quan said, standing. "Before you press on with your examinations, I would like to give all our esteemed scholars and warriors to have a chance to examine my general."

"S'okay," Madame Du said, stepping aside. "Suppose this is all pretty important stuff. Don't stress him out, though," she warned, shaking a finger at the ruler of the South.

"We will not," Sun Quan promised placatingly. "Ling Tong, can you disrobe?"

Ling Tong snorted. "What?"

Sun Quan looked pleadingly at Gan Ning for help. "Ling Tong, we are all mature men," he said, despite all evidence to the contrary. "And we all need a chance to examine this up close…"

"C'mon, Tong, you do it in front of me all the time!" Gan Ning wheedled.

"I didn't know that this was a stripshow," he said. "No."

"Ling Tong, for the sake of our country and good relations, please! It's an order!"

Ling Tong really had no idea how this was contributing to Wu's well being, but it was an command; he rolled his eyes but complied. "But if I see anyone jacking off to this…" he warned. His hands fumbled the sash and the robes, and he tasted a bit of bile in his throat. Normally flaunting his fine body and muscular physique was a breeze… But being a pregnant man made all the difference, really. He felt distinctly awkward and embarrassed. Stupid baby. Stupid big fat stomach. Stupid ugly bellybutton. He kept his pants resolutely tied on, albeit very low on his hips. Bugger them if they thought anyone'd be getting a full-out show.

The swish of robes sliding off had the same effect as a giant invisible hand suddenly descending on the gathered men. They all shifted closer as one mass, silent as they could be (expect for Cheng Pu, who had allergies and had run out of napkins, but that wasn't anyone's fault).

He pushed the robe back within easy reach and sat back on his heels, resting his hands on his stomach. "Okay, I'm here. Give me your worst."

Cao Cao, being the closest non-host person, stepped forward, cutting off Liu Bei's path. He leaned close to Ling Tong, flickering inquisitive eyes all over him.

"Well, well," the Prime Minister said regally. "Do you mind?" Without waiting for a response, he pulled back his long sleeves and set his hands onto Ling Tong's abdomen. Cao Cao continued rubbing his hands around, feeling the mound all over. "Interesting…" Without any warning, he pulled down Ling Tong's pants, pushed his legs back, and tugged the hanging genitals aside, revealing the curious opening.

"What do you know! On the outside, it does look rather different than a woman's. Hmm, do you mind?" Cao Cao asked lightly, then began to probe the proffered parts with an inquisitive hand.

"Hey!" Ling Tong shouted, flushing angrily. "Hey, this is-"

"Ling Tong, I understand that this must be… Rather unusual for you… But please just cooperate. This is an important part of the situation…" Lu Meng pleaded.

Ling Tong gritted his teeth and submitted to the indignity- no, horror- of the part.

"Do you mi-"

"I don't know what you're about to say, but I'm pretty sure that I _will_ mind!" Ling Tong snapped.

Cao Cao chuckled and brought his face next to Ling Tong's. "It's okay. You may meet me later, in private."

Flushing angrily, Ling Tong hauled his pants back up and tied them in triple knots. "Whoever told you that this was a petting zoo was probably mistaken, you know."

"But admit it. The part you are trying to hide is already half of the main curiosity…"

"Great, so look at the other fifty percent then."

The Prime Minister gave him a slow, feline smile. "Plenty of time for that later, I suppose… Well, I shan't hog your attentions. Thank you, General," he said, stepping aside for Liu Bei, who was already impatiently peering over.

The first thing that the ruler of Shu did when he approached was to go straight for Ling Tong's pants.

"Hey!" the pregnant man snarled, lashing out with a foot and clasping his hands protectively over the ties. "Didn't I just say that this wasn't a peepshow?"

"Cao Cao got to see!" Liu Bei complained.

"Only because I couldn't stop him!"

"But that's not fair."

"Well, your mom-"

"Ling Tong, _don't say it!_" Lu Meng cried.

"Your face-"

"_Ling Tong!_"

Ling Tong sighed and rolled his eyes. "Hands off," he growled with grim determination.

"If Cao Cao got to see, I should get to see too, unless you like him better than us-"

"Don't make me tell you to take of your pants, General," Sun Quan hissed.

"You are kidding me. You have got to be kidding me."

"I am not."

"No touching," Ling Tong warned. "Hands off, you hear?"

"I hear!" Liu Bei whined. "But Cao Cao got to-"

"Cao Cao gets to have sex with other men and you don't, so shut it."

Liu Bei shut his mouth at that and glared. He looked like he was going to say something, but quieted when Ling Tong loosened the front of his pants and pulled it down just enough to show Liu Bei what he was looking for.

"There. Happy?"

Liu Bei's mouth watered.

"Oh my gods, sicko!" Ling Tong shouted accusingly, whipping his pants back up.

"Hey, I was looki-"

"Did you see that? Did anyone see that? He was getting off on it-"

"I was _not!_ I was just looking like I'm supposed to-"

"General, why don't you let the rest of us see?" Zhuge Liang asked with barely-concealed impatience.

"I just did."

"Two seconds is not adequate time."

"_Ling Tong!_" Lu Meng moaned, practically attaining massive cerebral hemorrhaging from the stress.

"Fine!" Ling Tong snapped. "Oh, give tips to my agent then, and enjoy your visit to Wild Wu Striphouse," he seethed, yanking his pants down again.

Liu Bei seemed to be getting off of it and handed him a dollar, Zhang Fei was staring in the same way as a child at a freakshow with a two-headed goat, and Guan Yu seemed to be avoiding looking directly at the parts. But Zhuge Liang at least gave some semblance of dignity and scholarly pursuit.

"Hmmm. Most interesting, most interesting… When was it that you said you first noticed it?"

Ling Tong shrugged, feeling rather uncomfortable. "Dunno. I wasn't the one who noticed it. Ning was poking around and found it."

"Why was he poking around there? Did something alert him to the presence of something strange?" Zhuge Liang asked, his eyes narrowing. "What were the signs that a hole had appeared-"

"No signs, no nothing. Just apparently it had been there for a while," Ling Tong snapped.

"And I was trying to feel his balls," Gan Ning added to clarify. "I was trying to hump him and stroke his balls from behind and I guess my hand slipped-"

"Thank you, Gan Ning," Lu Meng said sharply.

"Yes, thank you," Zhuge Liang said with distaste, as all of a sudden, a head sprouted from Guan Yu's side.

"I don't get it," Guan Ping whined.

"Guan Ping, don't you want to see the baby?" Guan Yu pressed.

"Uh… I don't see a baby," Guan Ping said hesitantly, as if afraid that he was missing something obvious to everyone else.

"You don't?" Ling Tong snorted sarcastically, his temper growing short. He hated annoying kids, and Guan Ping, as far as he was concerned, was just a larger and better-armed version of one. "What do you mean you don't? You blind or something? Look, there's a baby sitting here, right next to me," he asserted, patting the empty space next to him on the bed.

Guan Ping looked even more confused. "But- I mean, I know I might have bad eyesight but-"

"It's right here! Look, it's looking at you right now, say hi or something, don't be rude."

"But I-"

"Oh, don't be an idiot. Quit pretending; it's not funny."

Guan Ping nodded resolutely and smiled at the empty space. "Hello."

"Good, you remembered your manners."

"He is very pretty. He looks just like you, General Ling," Guan Ping said sincerely.

"No, he's blonde like the idiot behind me, but I guess you can see the resem-"

"Are you mocking my son?" Guan Yu roared, suddenly towering out from behind Guan Ping like a mother grizzly bear. "Are you making my son look like a fool-"

"I'm not. He's doing it all by himself," Ling Tong snapped.

"Son, he is just trying to confuse you-"

"But there's a baby right next to him-" Guan Ping protested.

"No, he was making fun of you! The baby is still inside of him-"

"I am _so _confused!" Guan Ping screamed, looking like he was about to cry.

Guan Yu rubbed his forehead and sighed. "I will be back to settle this," he warned fiercely, shuffling Guan Ping away before the boy could embarrass himself even more.

"There. The big fish got to see, and Lord Sun, you just saw me yesterday- so please can I put on some clothes and like everyone stop staring at me?" Ling Tong whined.

"The rest of us need to see," Sima Yi interjected, fluttering his fan near his face. "Since, you know, a lord today maybe not be a lord tomorrow, and an underling may suddenly-"

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?" Ling Tong demanded.

"Oh, nothing. But do take off your pants, General, _I_ did not get a chance to see yet."

"Stuff it, Girlyman, my pants are staying _on._"

"_I_ did not get a chance to see, do I need to repeat myself?"

"Look at your own crotch, I bet it's not that different."

"Are you implying-"

"I'm not _just_ implying-"

"_Ling Tong will you stop trying start the first world war?"_ Lu Meng shouted.

"Sheee-esh!" Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Okay, two minutes to look, starting now," he snapped irritably and pulled down his pants.

_Boom._ Just as he had expected, Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi, Liu Bei, and all the people in the front were squashed in .005 seconds as all the other 200-and-up pound men rushed forward. The exposure of the entire room staring at his abnormal privates was just about worth the satisfaction of Xiahou Yuan trampling over Lu Meng.

"Two minutes are up!" Ling Tong declared and pulled the pants back up, tying them as tightly as he could.

"You're eight seconds early!" Xu Huang complained.

"I did not get to see-"

"Hey-"

"Everyone be quiet!" Lu Meng barked. "I heard something-"

Sure enough, there was a triplet of knocks on the sturdy wooden doors again.

"That must be the doctor."

"What doctor? I'm right here-" Madame Du snorted before the door swung open.

"Good Heavens have I been knocking on that door forever!" a nasal-esque voice exclaimed as its owner, a man with an uncanny resemblance to a wrinkly beansprout, walked in.

"Who is that?" Madame Du asked Sun Quan suspiciously.

"Uh. This is… This-"

"I am the esteemed Doctor Hao," he said, clearly assuming that the mention of his name conjured up… Something.

"…Who?" Gan Ning demanded, putting his hands protectively on Ling Tong's shoulders.

"Oh, is this my patient?"

"I don't know, but he's certainly _my_ patient-"

"Oh my, what an exciting phenomenon here. The sudden reallocatation of yang to yin and the accompanying morphological consequences are bound to be a more interesting case… Yes, I can already expect that the physical changes that have already taken hold are bound to create a renovation of the internal workings-"

"Look, what's the use of saying all this stuff if _no one_ can understand you? You already know this stuff- it's for _our_ information, not yours, so talk so that we can understand you," Ling Tong snapped, the doctor's snobbery getting on his nerves. "And I tell you there's a _lot_ of idiots here so speak _really slow._"

"Well, let it be known that-" Doctor Tao began before Ling Tong interrupted again.

"Quit showing off, doc, we all know you're smart blah, so you don't need to keep shoving it around."

Doctor Tao tightened his lips until they turned as white as Zhu Rong's tan lines. "Well, it is not my fault that I have to work with such uneducated-"

"Ling Tong, this man is helping with your care so could you just stop antagonizing him?" Lu Meng exclaimed.

"Helping me?" Madame Du snapped. "Besides, I wouldn't trust him, he's a _man!_"

"I'll have you know that although I have never actually dealt with a woman hands-on, I have diagnosed many times just by dealing with samples and tests. It is very effective."

"So you've never seen an actual fanny in your life and you're trying to deal with one."

"I do _not_ know what you are implying-"

"Actually I think you know full well-"

Sun Quan coughed poignantly. "My good doctors-"

"If you call this farmwife a doctor-" Doctor Tao began before with a sharp stomp, Madame Du pushed him aside and began her examination.

She rolled up a piece of parchment and stuck it on his back chest, and then over his heart, listening to his breathing and his heartbeat. Apparently satisfied with what she heard, Madame Du jerked one of his wrists up and pinched the skin sharply.

"Ouch!" Ling Tong complained.

"Quit your whinin' General," she said brusquely before tapping his wrist carefully. "I need to see if you're eatin' and drinkin' right-"

"Excuse me!" Doctor Tao called, shoving his way forward. While waiting for Madame Du to finish, he had set up a cloth full of odd-looking specimens, such as dried leaves, animal bits, rocks, and something that looked suspiciously like manure.

"I am not finished-"

"Let me take some samples, please!" he snapped, grabbing a few tiny wooden spoons out of his pocket. Before anyone could react, the doctor had shoved Ling Tong on his back and stuck the miniature utensil right up the proffered canal.

"OUCH!"

Doctor Tao only dodged Ling Tong's flying kick by pure chance. "Now, now, I just need three more samples."

"What the hell?" Gan Ning bellowed before Lu Meng dragged him back by his collar.

"Gan Ning, calm down, he's a professional-"

"What the hell?" Ling Tong shouted, then let out a long string of profanity at the discomfort.

"What are you doing?" Madame Du demanded angrily.

"I am taking samples. There, done. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Doctor Tao asked pleasantly.

"_What the hell?_"

"Now look- he's going to get all irritated and rashy there!" Madame Du snarled.

The doctor seemed to be the only one not getting slowly more and more pissed off. "Thank you. Now I will collect some data from his," he said loftily before kneeling in front of his kit and starting to perform some sort of unknown alchemy with the mucus.

"Whatever that was, I have no clue," Madame Du sighed. "Anyways. General, get back up."

"You're not going to stick anything up it, are you?" Ling Tong asked accusingly.

She made a clicking noise with her tongue. "Definitely not."

"Okay."

Madame Du frowned and continued pressing around, feeling his large stomach. "It's just strange. You're at most only two-thirds of the way along, by my calculations… You're darned fit and have core muscles you can string siege catapults with… You should look smaller than you are. But look." She hauled Ling Tong up into a kneeling position, then turned him to profile view to the assembled men. "He's carrying a bit low. That's something passed on in families. Perfectly normal, fine… But look at the size." The squat woman prodded the mound with a broken fingernail. "At first glance, I would say you're eight-tenths cooked. But you're not- you're only two-thirds. It's that big."

"Is it bad, then?" Lord Sun asked, worriedly. "Is this a problem? A sign of something wrong?"

Madame Du spat into her palm and shook her head. "No. Not a problem. Just that it's the biggest belly I've seen on anyone of this term-"

"And I know it is not due to any fast development!" Doctor Tao declared. "See how this top part is still sunken in? The concavity of the upper section shows that the baby has still only developed two-thirds of the way. And the fading on the Kingfisher-Breath leaf mix proves that although it has passed the midline, it still has far to go," the Taoist said definitely, waving one of the many ground-up pastes on a paper. "Look at the way autumn-gathered goatskin oil clumps the patient's mucus secretions-"

"You're going to say that the baby's also heavy, aren't you?" Madame Du said sourly.

"Yes, I was about to, before you interrupted me," Doctor Tao said, more than slightly miffed. "I can tell that it is heavy due to an unusual percentage of energies delivered to-"

"Psh, I can tell that it's damned weighty without your fancy mystic ingredients!" she snapped. "A_nyone_," she said, with the dangerous word 'anyone' trained professionals used to imply that the other was a nincompoop, "_anyone_ can tell that it's heavy by looking at the way the young wom- the young man is leaning back and forth and huffing and puffing and trying to get comfortable."

The use of two anyone's in the same sentence was the third-century equivalent of shouting, "Yo, I'm going to let you finish but…"

Doctor Tao froze. "Oh? Well, go ahead and use such crude methods. But I prefer a more refined technique, really. It is much more suited to dealing with gentlemen… I understand that women are too easily flustered by such complicacies-"

"Please, you two, just get back to the case-" Zhuge Liang began, but neither listened.

"Women?" Madame Du burst. "All your flabbergabbing and boozlehopping is just for show! Leave it to men like you to buzz about farting this jumble of jargon to hide the fact that you don't know anything!"

"Is that your definition of accurate? Do you even have a word for it?"

"Well, do _you _have a word for a load of donkey?"

"Why, everything you do is just circumstantial guesswork!" he snapped. "While my hypotheses are all based on scientific evidence-"

"Which is a fancy term for hopping around something you have no practical experience in!" she snarled. "You say I'm just guessing? I've been delivering babies since I was thirteen! I've tended over a million women! Not just the pulse examining you folks are so fond of- I mean staying up all night trying to coax out a baby with my hand up the lady's privates! And you think that you can waltz in and be an expert? How many babies have you delivered in a barn?"

"I may not be as well-versed in such things, but this is the way of the future! All your crude methods and primitive old wives' omens have no place in-"

"I know just by a touch when the cord is wrapped around a newborn's neck! I can deliver an emergency breech birth by feel, in the dark! What can you do?"

"Well, _I _could have diagnosed and told the midwife to prepare for that breech birth. I can brew potions and pastes that will tell us the exact nature of the problem with much more accuracy and standardization than your bumbling-"

"Will the both of you just shut _UP?_" someone bellowed.

It was Gan Ning. The pirate stood angrily and put his hand on Ling Tong's shoulder. "Mebbe you're forgetting something, like Tong here?"

"We are in the midst of a-" Doctor Tao began, but Madame Du had had enough.

The midwife, who was never flustered even when there were four babies who wouldn't come out and the mother-to-be, bless her, was screaming profanities and curses at anyone and everyone trying to help, who could endure the coldest ice of winter tending to any remote rural village, who could stand soaring temperatures and humidity that downed armies, who could stand on her two stubby legs in the fastest current to aid a fisherman's wife, who once beat a pack of wolves to death with a knitting needle because they were interfering with a poor farmgirl's birth by trying to eat her, who did all that without a complaint, whimper, or anything more than a "Remember to have a bit of mild exercise" and "Well push harder," in a burst of anger rolled up Doctor Tao's cloth and all the materials on it and chucked it out the window.

With a look of horror, the Doctor pushed a path in the crowd and hurled out the door, Madame Du on his heels.

"See? See? Whocha can do now?" she screamed, her voice dying away with distance.

There was an awkward shuffling as silence, in the absence of the medical staff screaming at each other, descended on the room, broken only by polite coughing and 'uh, what do we do now' glances at everyone else.

"That was… Slightly lacking in the grace and dignity I would expect of the best doctors in the land," Zhang He observed tactfully. "I always thought that the medical profession was such a stately one…"

"That got nothing done!" Gan Ning exclaimed, crossing his arms.

"I don't think it was nothing. I got to see your private parts, and now I need a mental cleanser," Cao Pi said bluntly.

"Yeah, shut it horse boy. Well, if you don't mind I really think I'm going to go- ack." Ling Tong stopped turning around to cringe, a look of discomfort on his face.

"What's wrong?" Zhuge Liang demanded, stepping forward and jockeying for position with Liu Bei. "Tell us-"

"Nothing! The baby kicked again, that's all!" Ling Tong snapped, irritated. "Talk about an overreaction."

The room exploded.

"What?"

"The baby kicked?"

"It moved?"

"There's something in there?"

"Someone- who has a notepad-"

"Hey, hey, _HEY!"_ Ling Tong shouted, waving a hand harshly. "Yes, the baby moved- don't get all excited now, oh no, a baby moved a leg or something… And yes," he snapped at Guan Ping, "there's a baby inside of here." He jabbed a finger into the firm globe his abdomen had become. "You be careful, because if you eat too many vegetables then you get pregnant like me and have a baby and end up pushing a small child through your-"

"Stop feeding my son such lies!" Guan Yu exclaimed indignantly, but it was too late. Guan Ping paled and grabbed his stomach.

"This is a large matter of interest, you know! How much has it been moving? When? Any particular patterns or possible stimuli?" Zhuge Liang shot off his questions like crossbow bolts.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "How much? Just randomly, normally right when I'm in the middle of something and don't want to be distracted. One or two times a day? No, maybe less. Depends on the day. Yeah, randomly sounds just about right."

"Well, sit back down and-"

"Hey, hey, look, my watch is over," Ling Tong said is exaggerated politeness.

"Ling Tong, this is important!" Lu Meng exclaimed. "Can't you be mature for once?"

"I don't know about mature but I'm out of here," he declared. "Look, I've had enough and you know what Madame Du said. Stress me and the baby dies!"

"Don't threaten like that!"

"Well it's true, isn't it? My lord, if you stress me out Madame Du is going to know."

Sun Quan seemed to consider this a moment before shaking his head. "Our neighbors have traveled a long distance to get here-"

"Well they probably are bored. Let's just call it a day."

"No, let's continue this examination-"

"Sure, just do it without me," Ling Tong said with finality. "I'm tired."

"Now, we would not want to exhaust you," Cao Cao said smoothly, making his way towards the door and motioning for his subordinates to follow. "General…. I will see you sometime."

A look passed between the two leaders (two because Liu Bei was still trying to sneak a peep). If Ling Tong didn't know better, he would have thought that it was politics.

"All right. You are correct, my general is probably tired," Sun Quan agreed thankfully. "Let us go now."

Ling Tong pulled his pants on as the room slowly emptied, and then breathed a sigh of relief. "Man. If I had known it was this much of a crowd, I don't know what I'd have done."

* * *

No idea who is writing what anymore. Got pulled in a few chapters back for humor (and gags) purposes and realized how fun sarcastic people are.

Lin C  
7:32  
HERP

GuoGuo  
7:32  
DERP

Lin C  
7:32  
HERP

GuoGuo  
7:32  
EEEEWWWWW HSV2!

Lin C  
7:33  
…what

GuoGuo  
7:33  
…Herpes virus.


End file.
